Welcome to Goa

Hello from India.

facebook is being mean and isnt letting me login and i dont wna pay more cause i only have an hour here but my avo mama's (grandmother's) house is literally next door to the internet cafe :L hahaha lucky me. and its like 20 rupees per hour which is like 50c in asutralian currency.

anyways arrived in goa this morning, at around 12am to be exact, took a 12 hour train but cause of the amount of stops we had it took a tad longer. anyway i slept at my cousins house and my parents were at my avo mama's place (my aunty lives 1min away from my avo :)) hahah and its so HOT outside and its winter here. but yea ran some few errans with my family and aunty so we could deliver some packages from australia but in the car..my parents and aunty were talking about all these family issues and problems occuring cause of some stupid freaking bitch who entered this family and ripped hers appart..i hate her so freaking much cause of what she did to my family and continues to do..but my avo mama isnt looking to well :( we only saw her last yr in april back home and now she has ages so much, or so my mum says and she doesnt look well at all and i think she thinks all her kids are here for her funeral but really its for her 80th bday next feb..

so much is going on in the dsa family and im not liking it, its been going on for so long and only getting worse..our stay in goa might not be as pleasant as i hoped but i pray that at least for the short time we are all together, we have no conflict. it is christmas after all.

im so excited my cousins from norway are arriving today and the whole family will be at my avo mama's house tonight, might even go for a walk on the beach later this afternoon. its tuesday dec 21st and 4.00pm in india

despite the conflict in the dsa family for new year i look forward to spending the best time with my mum's family :)

i pray and hope this holiday will be relaxing for us all..esp my uncle and mum.

hope you all have a merry christmas and a wonderful new year :) <3

unforgettable

<3

(8) time of the essence and I dont want to waste time..

This was something ness sang a lot this year :L hahaha but these lyrics alone mean so much..lol disregarding the whole song when im talking now :L just saying.

Alright tomorrow is the last last day of school for 2010. last day being in yr10 and it has all gone by so quick! Tomorrow will be the last time for a lot of things..it really outlines how important time is and that you should be aware of whats going on..because I do not want to waste time :L
aww tomorrow's going to be an emotional day cause of yeaa..but it is also the formal, brilliantly organised by a few people in the student body in yr10 and props to them for organising it all! i wish i was going but im not so im not going to dwell on it..
tomorrow will be..well thats up to me isnt. We all chose how our day is going to be, what we're going to do, how we're going to act..not necessarily saying it all has to be planned or mapped out but just saying that we chose how each day will be. Im going to be sad, thats for sure. but i dont know if im going to cry..
however i am also excited for tomorrow as yohana and i have something special for all of our dear friends who are leaving as well as our whole group is finally giving our KK presents.. :) yaay

*sigh
im excited for the new year but said to see this year go by so quickly. well ive learnt a lot, a lot has happened and im going to end this year the best way i can :) im excited indeed for the new year..a lot of change yes but also a lot to look forward to :)

anyways i have some cards to write :L hhahaa
night <3 have a lovely night and enjoy the rest of your year..
if i dont get to update my blogspot i want to wish you all a Merry Christmas and safe holidays <3

hmm. lol I want to do a bit of redecorating with my blog..its been a while and I think its time for some change :) Maybe I'll do it sometime soon :) I want it looking good. hahhaha ;)

home is where the heart is

Hey :)

Again this is something that's been on my mind for a while..something i've wanted to blog about but havent.
Let me tell you a little something about me.
So I came from Dubai to Australia in the year 2000 when i was only 4. So from the time i was born till i moved to Australia there isnt all that much i remember..and i wish that wasnt the case.
The most vivid memories i have before i came to Australia are only my birthday parties and celebrations that we have on video..now converted into dvds but yea. i watch them over and over and i love them, especially my 3rd birthday. Other than my birthday this and last year i must say my 3rd birthday has to be my favourite.
There's so much i wish i knew about the 4 years before i moved, the 4 years where my life would have been completely different..
I just wish i knew..its something i think about sometimes esp since there are specific memories that i have and i love..to do with a water park. i guess somewhat similar to wet'n'wild and aquatic cntr? maybe thats why i love aquatic center so much? hahha but i have many fond memories there.Thinking about it now..in 4 years so much could have happened. and so much did happen. in dubai my sister broke her arm 3times in the same place..on three different occasions. i remember being in a recital..and i wasnt even old enough to go to school yet but i did..cause i had no one to look after me at home and there arent day care or pre school in dubai and my aunty was a music teacher..i remember being in one of her classes and everyone would be distracted by me :L hahaha and i was seriously only 2andahalf when i started kindy..i did 3 years of kindy so my aunty told me. 2 in dubai and then actually starting kindy in australia. but like my aunty told me how the uniform was massive on me :L hahhaa sounds funny. lol my sister dad and i were so thin and skinny before coming to australia... before living in dubai we lived in Sarjah and well 4 years..so far ive had 4 years of high school from year 7-10 and look how much happened..heaps of life changing events :) im glad for it and thats why i wish i knew more about the 4 years i had before moving to Aus.


Idno..maybe im wondering too much about it? well not really. im just curious seeing as we're going to visit dubai maybe somewhere in the next 5-10 years. ohh well :) the life i remember in dubai, i loved. cause i was with my family and no one fought and we were a happy family..well happier than now anyway.


anyways ttly :) have a lovely week. im off to dinner. im hungry :L
<3 

fortune or cookie? ;)

some things just really frustrate me --'

..i hate double standards :/

crossroads

happiness is not something you should count by the bucket load but something you should feel and see with your eyes shut.


so i was confused. for a while. and i think now, im over it. i've made up my mind..funny thing is atm chasing pavements is on well just finished. and how its my solider :)
anyway. what i want to say is that i may not know exactly what i want to do, but im pretty sure its not engineering. it confused me for so long, making me worry. now that i think about it, it doesnt matter what i do. as long as i love it and as long as im happy. if it takes long for me too find that so be it, but im not going to waste precious time worrying about it anymore..for now at least.

the past couple of days i've been pretty inspired. by blogs ive read and people ive seen, stories ive heard, words that just spoke out to me..
ive been worrying about something so minute, things less important. ive realised and opened my eyes to the bigger things, the more important things. the realisation of how lucky i am, sometimes i just forget that when really i should be reminded everyday with what i have. i should just know how lucky ive got it. the sun is shining into the room atm and i feel so calm, having  had today to really sort myself out and then having a dnm with majelle that really got a lot out..i feel content with myself. i feel happy. i am happy. im alone and ive had time to think. i know that, the only thing i have to worry about is making sure i dont get too sick and concentrate on my sc which i plan to do well in! i really want to do it for myself.

i spend too much time feeling sorry for myself, or being selfish or not appreciating what i really should be thankful for. i need to just live life like there's no tomorrow, even if i may have regrets i learn from that. i want to be more independent and so far im not going to well, well atm im independent with relying less on my parents..as for my empolyment..i have none..but i'll just keep doing what im doing if it means to reapply every few month eventually i'll get a job..hopefully :L

anyway i better get going. ive been meaning to blog for a while but whenever i wanted to, i couldnt or i didnt want to but im glad i did. :)

have a lovely evening :) smile. be happy. laugh. cry. love. learn. take the opportunities you get. be proud of yourself.

alright thats all from me for now :)
i hope to blog more often now lol <3

..and she shed a tear while the world's not looking :(

the outcast..

so i was watching the hunchback of Nortredame while i was waiting for She's the man to start and well, the last time i watched it was ages ago..like years and years probably? anyways i was thinking how its always the cartoons and disney productions that have the most clearest and most important messages to give from the film you watch, no matter how short it may be..
you know sometimes i wonder why films are so long..like seriously i understand that you may want a movie to go for ages but sometimes in that time, you lose the purpose of the film. you know not all films have the purpose of purely entertainment but aim to achieve something greater than that..
like last night i watched eat pray love which was a lovely film but it was kinda long and somewhere inbetween it all..it lost its purpose and well i kinda got bored with that, i loved where it was going but it was slow..and took some time getting where it had to..

kinda got off track a tad there but as i was saying..

watching the beginning and how everyone was judging kosimoto purely on the way he looked and his physical appearance, except for one person..the Gypsy who in those days was also an outcast..see how judgemental we are to eachother? even though were all same in more ways than you realise..
how in the movie everyone was saying that kosimoto was the ulgiest of them all..
but really everyone is a kosimoto..everyone makes themselves ugly in the way that they treat others unkindly and without respect..there's nothing beautiful about that is there? and i believe everyone is beautiful in their own way..whether it be physically or even more important, on the inside by the way they look at eachother and themselves. that they dont care if they are kosimoto cause even kosimoto was beautiful in the eyes of the Gypsy and that helped him realise and look at himself not as a monster but as a human, just different..

see people. this important message was interprated as a disney children's film, even teaching the little kids this importance of accepting the outcast..

have a lovely night <3 ima squeeze in some studying before bed :L

My Jesus, My Saviour- Lord there is none like you..(8)

alright. so i think it was last week at mass when my priest said something during his homily that really caught me off guard and really worried me..

he said that in 5-10 years Australia might not even have enough priests for one in every church D:
in saying that my aunty was like..there are plenty of priests in india, more than one for every church..

the reason it worries me so much to hear that is because, truth be told that if i hadnt been a brought up a catholic i wouldnt be the person i am today..
i went to a catholic primary school that was centered around the teachings from my priest who has inspired me since 2000 and still continues to do the same with his insighfulness of Christ and our faith. his teachings to me and the whole church at doonside and my primary- (to those who listen) is insprining and so influencial and to think that when im bringing up my childeren that they wont even have a priest to guide them as mine did for me..
faith is importance in guiding a christian or any catholic as what we learn is an example and guidelines of how we should live our lives. to think that these influencial people, bring the word of God to our homes and lives wont be there in a few years time.. :/ i hope it doesnt become like that..

okay. now i kinda wish i didnt post this today cause i needed to say this a while back..on the day i actually heard it but then i wasnt able to and havent really had the chance so i thought today will be good but idno..what i typed doesnt seem that meaningful as i could usually say it especially when its something important..
sorry.. :/

well im gna go now..browse through sc and also watch the new ep of himym :)
i had a pretty awesome day today and omg i bought nailpolish right..i cant believe i spent 8bucks on it but anyways at the shops i was contemplaiting on the colour between this nice blue or a turquoise and i was going with the blue as i liked it more but then went with the torquoise instead and now i regret it..as usual :L hahhaaha --'

have a lovely night :) <3

ohmyfreakingoodness D:
there is this weird sound coming from my computer and im scared..i have a feeling it isnt good D: ahh crap.

so my cousins are over and it is a beautiful day outside..
im sitting in my living room, freaking writing notes for science, which i have been doing for the past 3 days D': this sucks. and theyr playing wii and playing singstar and having fun laughing and shouting and im just listening..then in front of me, out the window seems like freedom and paradise and it seems so far away to me. i dont always see my cousins and i know that this is just the beginning of how it will be for a long time, this holidays it will be me doing exams. next holidays it will be someone else and it will just keep on going so we wont even get to spend proper time with eachother in the holidays.. this sucks! --'

i want to go out. and have fun. the thing is a cant even if i wanted to..still trying to meet my mum's expecations and im giving up. i live for myself, i work for myself. and no one else!

good day to you. hope urs is better than mine..

omg that noise is freaking annoying me! :@

Lord, please answer our prayers..

blast from the past..

i still cant believe it, yr12 2010 are graduating tomorrow.
tomorrow will be their last day of high school..

my cousin is in ur 12, graduating.
then after him next yr is my sister.
the year after her is me..
1 year after me is my younger cousin
and 2 years after her is my youngest cousin.

so in 5 years my cousins and i will all have graduated high school.
just thinking about me graduating in less then 2 years is kinda scary..

and well i just couldnt stop thinking about it..

then today when i got off at doonside i saw like 7 people from my primary..some people changed. some people are the same. some are snobs :/
but well, i always dreaded on the past.
ive been going to mcauley for 4 years now and i have had an adventure never to forget. from the minute i entered the school it started, and today as the school made the shield thingo as the yr12 girls departed the school, leaving for the second last time. kinda. well i realised that when i leave high school in 2012 im only ending my high school adventure but starting one much greater than i can imagine..
i realised that when i offically graduate from school, well. i dont really know what will happen. my life starts, being a student you know basically what you do everyday, and that is go to school. imagine that huge part of your life is over, when there is no school to go to you have to plan stuff. lol well there is uni but again, completely different to high school.


...anyways. i stopped to go eat dinner and now i forgot what what i was gna say so i'll stop there..

so anyway.
today on the train. i realised how lucky i am.
to have always found such amazing friends. in primary but even now.
waiting for vianca this afternoon, and just talking to her. and then on the train. just vianca and i, it made me realise how lucky and fortunate i really am.
today i spent a lot of the day talking and thinking about the changes that are going to occur within the next few months. next week is a start. wait no. tomorrow is a start.
year 12 go. yr 11 become yr12 and we get ready for next term. after yearlies and after school cert. we will be practically going into yr11.
the journey begins. only this time it will be different, im not the one moving.
and even though im not. i dont want ness, abby or angel to leave either. but they are so yea..
okay. so during the yr12 muck up. at the end when they were all on the stage, so many of them were crying. imagine they spent the past 6 years together, and now theyr all graduating tomorrow.
and vianca started crying, like really crying. poor baby, i was sitting behind her and angel with gabby and sarah. and i just kept looking at angel. mann i have gotten so close to that girl, she is a huge part of my life, so is ness and abby. a huge part of my school life as well as my social and family. but my school life, today at lunch i sat with angel. and yesterday afternoon at the station angel and i were just sitting there, listening to music, her awesome ipod. lol and yea, im going to miss that.
just as i will miss all the times when vanessa does something hilariously stupid at school, those times when she cried. and i cried. the times where we just walked around the school, all those times we just talked.
as well as i will miss abby, the times in science where she is the biggest distraction ever. the times when she goes crazy with everyone else. the times when she has exciting news for me :)

all those times and more, many many more. see. contributed greatly to my school life. to who i am today. and well, the thought makes me upset but you know what, right now. im not that sad anymore cause i know at ur own high schools next year you will have heaps more to share with me.
telling me about your new friends. your new crushes. your interests. your changed life.
school is a big part of my life, it has been since i started kindy in australia in 2000..i remember so much. i love so much of it. and then there are times when i wish i didnt have to go..then realising how fortunate i am to have  an education like i do. my life is pretty easy. i have it pretty easy..

i love my life most of the time. i live life always. i smile a lot. i spread and share how im feeling if im in a good mood. and well.. days will go by. years will pass. but knowing that my life experiences in school alone has made me so much into who i am today, from primary esp with my priest and teachers. to my amazing friends at high school, damm im lucky to have had everything i have.

the clan as vanessa calls us, i have seen so many people change and grow, mature and well i guess i have to.

next year may be a challenge but no matter what, we will still all be together, in some way or another <3

(lol thats so not what i wanted to say but i forgot --' hahaha mann i had so much to say and i forgot..ohh well :L)
now to finish some school work --' joy :L how greatful i am :L

"when someone says you cant do something, push hard and prove them wrong.."

-coach whitey duram?

inspiration.. :)

surprisee! :)

i received the best news ever..
this friday my AUNTY is coming here :D the one im always talking about, my aunty jane- my second mother. she's coming for a month :) omg seriously the best news ive received in a while..
yaaayyy seriously im so excited she's coming. ive missed her so much! :()

i dont want you to leave.. :(

<3 2010

here we go again..

I'll write you just to let you know that im alright

can't say im say to see you go..

lol dont you just love paramore..they have the words for everything :L hahhaa.

..well. the thought came and hit me, suddenly --'

i thought i was ready. lol vanessa, i bet you kinda know what im on about?

ages ago, dont remember when. but it was when everyone was thinking about next yr and stuff. and well i was sad. and then when you guys got ur reports back, and mann vanessa i seriously am still so proud of you and abby to and angel. 

..but like how when you got ur report, and then you were saying so happily that your going to st marys and stuff..and well. i cried --'

and like i said, im proud of all of you guys. like really couldnt be happier for you, but then you know me. and you know how i feel about you guys leaving. and i swear its not going to be a repeat of the last time..its not. and i believe that. but im say to see you goo..

and you can understand, just like i understand how much it means to you getting in and stuff.

its just weird how before it was just the thought of you guys going..i was still getting over the fact of angel going for sure..and now you two too. *sigh and then on fb, one of my other friends..used to be one of my best friends in primary, natasha. she also got into st marys. and then i see how its kinda like a repeat of yr6. like with the whole, your going and im staying kinda thing. well its different but still..and then how its so sure you'll keep in touch with each other, but it just didnt seem to work with me? :/ and im over it now. but it took me so long to understand. i get it. people check. yea i learned to accept that. but like i see you, and you have a best friend from another school. and you seemed to keep in touch with them without any trouble at all..and then how when we talk again, and have these random convos, bringing back memories..and then you have that hope and stuff, that feeling that yea were actually talking about meeting up and stuff..but it never happens.

sigh. lol sorry for that. but yeaa..

here we go again.. only this time it will be different. cause times change, and it doesnt have to repeat itself either..and im so not losing any more close friends just cause of the fact that we wont be in the same school anymore.. thats a promise i intent to keep, no matter what :)

i guess this feeling..will be coming and going till the end of the year, and it will take me some time to get used to..

imagine..

have you ever wondered how life would be if you hadnt ever met someone that is now so significant to ur life?
someone who now means so much to you?
someone who is a huge part of ur every day activity?
or even just someone that you enjoy having around?

well i was watching oth..again of course :L and well it was in season 4. when lucus has a heart attack and he says, why do bad things always happen to good people? if bad things always happen to people who are kind and loving and do nothing bad, then why should they be that way?
why should you be nice even when you know that you might not be treated the same way?
why would you bother doing something kind for someone else when you know they dont care, or wont notice?
you know, you can say that for just about anything. and the truth is, as even lucus noticed. you may not realise how much you mean to someone. or how much you doing something for someone else can help them in a huge way. you dont always know or realise the outcome of a certain action. but you do it anyway, your nice because you like to be nice. ur helpful cause you are able to help.

you never really know how what you say can change the way someone things. sometimes you could feel you are so insignificant in this wide world, but the truth is. to someone you could mean so much, you could be the reason they feel significant. even smiling at someone, or a simply hello now and again could make all the difference ;) seriously, you never know.

see. bet you didnt think of that aye? :L
hahahah. and if you know me well enough, you would know im the kind of person who will say whats on my mind if i have something to say :L hahaha or if i think something can make a difference, i will do or say whatever i have to. and most of the time i dont expect anything in return but do it because well. sharing is caring, and i love to share :L hahahaa. my random thoughts. and then those random times where i feel the need to express my love for..well the people i love :) hahaha.

well yeaa..just wanted to share. as always oth gets me thinking, but you see. cause ive watched this ep before even though im watching it again it still makes me think. i think of all the people that mean so much to me, the people i rely on, or even the people that are around me most of the time. and honestly, i dont think i could imagine life without any of them, atm they are all a huge impact on my life. if you already didnt know that.. :)
so yeaa. when you think you dont mean anything to anyone, or that the little things you do dont matter. think again.. cause in the end..

its the little things that makes the biggest difference.. and its the little things that count ;)

woo. spring is just around the corner <3

i kinda dont like the feeling of being helpless in a situation where you try so hard to help.. :/

tomorrow is going to be.. D:

in the morning i will cram in some studying for religion
then when the bell for homeroom goes i have to go to the front gate of the school and escort new people around to sign in and then to meeting room 3.
then i have to run to first period-which is my re exam
then is P2
then at recess im helping out with the cake stall thingo
P3-pe prac --'
P4- math? --'
lunch is MAG meeting and i have to present something i think? talk about an issue and how we can help? i think. hahhaa its all in my head just waiting to come out :L when im passionate about something, i will make everyone know that :L HAHAHHA..i think?
then P5 is science? and i have so much hw due for that --'

then go home, hopefully get some hw in and then training! i still have to start/finish my english speech thats due on wednesday D:

strangers.

today my sister and i were the welcomers for the youth mass.
so we stood at the main front doors of the church welcoming in the parishioners and handing out bulletons? but yeaa so we were doing that with a smile.

and then i was welcoming this lovely old lady, "hi! welcome to the youth mass. :D" handing her a bulleton and then she stand facing me, and asked if the youth choir is singing and im like yeaaa they are ;D and she's like ohh lovely, i like them (but they arent all that good) and yeaa she was kinda talking to me for a min or 2 and then she's like everytime i see you, you look older and more pretty. and then im like x) aww thanks. hehehe. but the thing is, that was the first time i saw her..i think? but it seemed like she knew me or something? idno. but that kinda old lady made my day :) hehehehe. nawww. how sweet, and she fully had an american or canadian accent. hahaha.
:D

i just dont know what to think.
im disappointed in myself. somewhat jealous too. im upset. sad. im thinking. im.. scared?

almost every time i get feelings like this i always end up being scared.
why am i scared?
because the future is so near..

(again i did a lot of thinking while on the train and stuff and i was going to blog..but i dont feel like it. lets leave it at that. woahh been listening to paramore all day. making me feel better i guess? its a good mood for the paramore songs im listening to.)

the weather mirrors my emotions. i was happy all day. until 2.25pm. and now the temperature is getting cooler and the sky is cloudy and grey..perfect..

its weird how my mood can change so quickly from something someone tells me, something i hear, something i think about.

..just then. that happened. and now..well. i dont know. i feel sad. and when i try to smile. i dont. and when i try to think of something else. i cant; its hard. and im scared..

even today on the train home. my mum started talking to me. saying how she's hoping my aunty is okay. hoping that she gets better.
im so scared, i dont know what to think..i havent actually had anyone close to me die before..and every time my mum is on the phone and i walk past, she is explaining my aunty to someone. i guess everyone is concerned with her condition.
she is my godmother, she is my middle name. she is my mum's closest sister. she treats me like her own daughter, and now. she's sick.

dear lord,
i pray for eudora. that she may get better, that she may get more healthier and that she and her family are safe on vacation. that when they come home she is well. when mama talks about eudora when she went to america, she said how sick she was, and that things were really bad. that her kids needed to be less dependent on her.. that scares me. i dont want anything to happen to her. please keep her safe, help eudora get better. :(

my mum went all the way to america for 2 months to be with her eldest sister. she went with my grandma..

things in my family are so complicated.. my mum told me so much on the train.

how that bitch took everything from my uncle..how she took everything he had, his life. his happiness. his only son that he lived for..
he is getting better now.. but what she did to my uncle is unforgivable. im a forgiving person, but that is one thing i dont understand. the stupid thing she did. and made my uncle suffer. makes me so angry just thinking about it.
ahh. right now. i feel all negativity..
so many thoughts running through my mind..

even though this, one thing stands out..i hope they are okay. :(

this little girl i know is one of the most happiest people i know. 

she literally is a bundle of joy. so energetic. always running around. always smiling, her cheeky little smile. always laughing. naww her name is angelina. we call her angie and i think she is 4? not sure but she's so idno. she's young enough not to have a care in the world but old enough to enjoy herself and do what makes her happy :) love that little girl. she's always so happy, lol people even say she reminds them of me when i was her age :L love to see that little girl smiling and laughing. spreading the joy ;)

footprints :)

(this just came to me while walking on a beach in foster so yeaa. i wrote it on my phone so i could remember and post it up here. hope it still makes sense :) )

Its easier to make your own footprints in the sand than to walk in someone else's. it may not hurt as much to walk in someone's footprints but than what mark are you leaving by following others when it is just as simple to leave your own?

Different beach. Different people. Same footprints. because no matter where we are, we are all the same. we may look different but even in our footprints we leave in the sand we look alike ;D
lmao if you really think about it, they really just look like deepish holes in the sand :L HAHAH

(8) should i give up, or should i just keep chasing pavement..

this song has been in my head all day i think?
well when i was having a shower and thinking..this song suits my mood atm.. im not too happy or upbeat or anything and even better this weather is dragging me down...ima make this post quick cause i have stuff to do but well
*sigh
i have so much on my mind..and i wish i didnt. the pressure. the decisions. the responsibility. the stupidity. idno whats going on with me atm, but last night gave me a reality call D: big time.. idno if it is just the weather. or the lecture i got last night. or the crying. or just one of those 'phases' i go through these days. these phases i hate. i really do D:
...skip skip skip.
i was thinking a lot. and well. this week is going to be almost the opposite of last week.. instead of having people over or going out everyday i will be at home..by myself.. and im not really the kinda person who likes being alone a lot of the time but i maybe this is what i need right now. i dont have fb either for the moment so i'll be more focused. idno if im going to loose my mind outa boredom or all this time to myself will make me even sadder but i need time to think. i need time to be independent for my benefit and sort out the stuff in my head. :s mann idno seriously hearing myself say this is bad enough..putting the words into actions will be hard but i will learn. and i can do this. for me.
..too much is happening now and idno if i'll cope. not too sure what exactly is going on, praying it will be alright. :/ maybe it will..

i guess i'll be chasing pavements this week than..but i wont give up!

..one thing i do look forward to is soccer tomorrow. i love how i love soccer and its like a distraction too and its fun and i love my team and everything really gets me to relax.

..but its true. i miss the sun. wish it comes back soon..

looking back..

hey,
so as of yesterday i am officially 15 :L
hahhaa. not that it makes a difference but i absolutely am so greatful for my friends and family.
my family for giving me a bday party but esp my amazing friends who really surprised me. and vanessa faith..the brains behind this idea. i still cant believe it! hahhaa. naww but thank you so much! like times a billion :L hahaha.
naww and even reading everyone's letters <3
:D makes me so happy to know.. :)

lmao atm im reading the mannual for the camera you guys got me. and omg. you know that thing we were trying to do, with jumping. it fully tells you when to jump if its on timmer ;D im so facinated and seriously. from the bottom of my heart i thank each one of you guys, a camera isnt exactly that cheap..and you all chipped in for it :') naww. thanks so much! i cant thank you enough. and i will promise to do my best to look after it ;)

well  back photo..i was turing two, i found this pic under some books with a few more baby bday pics of me..i think my mum found them and was looking through them?

but yeaa she saw that i took this picture and explained to me, how the cake looks so sad. like its plain and stuff. this was the year my grandpa died, and we didnt really celebrate my birthday, unlike remembering my 1st and 3rd bday with vids..i dont really remember much but i really wish i did.. :s

but yeaa..they still put the effort, and i still look happy to blow out my candle. and how my family always put up with me, always. i thank you so much for that. and for making yesterday so much more special by being there, and you shouldnt have gone to the trouble but i love you all. and appriciate and wont forget what you did for my 15th birthday.. :)

love you guys :) you really did get me :L good job.

(ps. i was meant to have a pic of me cutting the cake but cant find one from yesterday..ohh well :L) ahhahah.

you make me happy. knowing you are smiling wherever you are :)

well when i tried uploading it it didnt work so i print screened it instead.
this is definately one for my letter box. a very special and important letter, just like the others in that mail box :)

so it arrived

since monday after speaking to my beloved aunty, she told me she would send me a birthday card and letter..well i received it today. went out and opened the mail box hoping it would be there, in the dark i looked through the bills and stuff and there it was.. i knew it was from her :)
and just seeing that, brightened up my not so good day.. well my day was alright. i just wish the weather was better.

anyways. i read the birthday card. but the thing i was excited for the most was the letter.. it made me cry :( so much. omg i love her, my aunty jane.
ima scan it through and yeaa but atm i gotta goo..
but well, her letter made me cry in a good way though. cause i never even knew what she wrote..like this is the first time i heard this..never even knew this happened but before, like ages ago something sad happened to my aunty..long story and i never knew until a few years ago. its so unfair what happened to her but yea, my aunty said.. well i guess you'll see when i post it up.

it makes me so happy to know, even when i was born that i was appriciated..my birthday is on sunday and today my sister said why are your friends coming to celebrate the devils birthday? :( pissed me off so much..but this letter. made me feel so much better, knowing that someone is always looking out for me, without question even though she is half way around the world. that someone has appriciated me since the moment i could breathe on my own, knowing that i meant so much to one person. makes me happy to know, me being in aus and my aunty being in india. i can make her smile and change her mood just by looking at a photo of me :') ive never felt so appriciated before..like no one in my family shows they care so much about me. the words of my aunty.. makes me smiling knowing that i make her smile, even when she wants to cry.

thank you jane for your beautiful letter. i loved it.
love you. i hope you are doing well <3

over all. still if i was upset before..

the highlight of my day today was dancing with angelica. the last dance thingo ever in high school and i was glad to end it the way i did, with angel as my beautiful partner. we even came 2nd place in the waltz ;) yeaa! hahaha. we both couldnt stop smilling when we were dancing, aww love you angel :) ur so funny and so cute. you only just learnt the dance properly today and we were both so suprised to come 2nd. hahahah and we both wanted a metal too :L

thanks for being my awsome dance partner for 2 yrs angel <3
it was fun, and ur hilarious with ur little dance moves and stuff ups :L hahaha aawww.

makes me miss you even more.. :/

and the fact ur not coming to my birthday D: im really sad about that.. but im glad we have soccer. im sure you'll shoot another one, or few in on sunday aye? ;)
ps. thanks for helping with in soccer :L im still learning..still suck a tad. but love watching you play and cheering you on! woo gooo angelicaaaa! rooty hill <3

night :)

i was just about to blog about something really positive until my mum came in telling me if i didnt appologise to my dad he isnt taking me for my game on sunday :(
and freak its my birthday then too. what the hell. he has no respect for me at all and then my mum said he doesnt have to D:
freak im blowing up inside. i didnt want to end the night like this..crying. and upset when i did have a pretty good day. and then going shopping in the car just listening to my parents arguing. makes me so uncomfortable. :'(
now i just wish i wasnt having a birthday party at all. who even cares :(
i hate that i ask for the littlest things or nothing even but when i do its like im asking for the world to stop just for me, i try not to inconvenience anyone. i try to be nice to everyone but i never get that in return. its not like im asking for much, just to be treated the same way i treat others but my dad has a problem with me D: and i have a short fuse with him so it doesnt work.

in the car this is what i was thinking..

dear dada
you tell me stories of me when i was younger. how i always asked you to cally me (carry me) and how you took me places and let me sit in ur shoulders or on ur back for a horsey ride. or walking on ur back to massage you. i dont understand why we dont get a long so much. really it hurts me to know we can argue so much on a daily basis :( makes me cry, to know that half the time i think i did something wrong. or i am the cause of the problem. i watch tv shows and see other fathers, looking after their daughters. sometimes i wish you were still the same man i remember from dubai. but i know your not. so much has happened since then. :'( its not fair the way you treat me. i miss the happy you. the you i hardly even remember from dubai. you are the most angriest, grumpiest man i know. and i wish you werent. you dont respect me and you just tease me. what kind of father are you? i remember buying you father's day presents from primary school, and i remember just a few nights ago watching soccer with you. things are so much more complicated between you and i and i cant handle that. i live with you, and i dont want to. :(

i wish and hope things get better..

good night
from me.

ps. i really hope you find urself..

im getting that feeling in my throat and a headache. i feel like im gna cry :(
but i dnt want to.. uhh why am i so moody atm?

ohh and my hands have been so cold these past few days.. thats not really normal for me :/
whats going on with me? D:

*sigh..

i dont remember much before i moved to australia.. one thing i do remember, even looking through really old pics was that my family was so happy. not saying theyr not happy now but seriously my dad is the grumpiest person i know :( and i remember him being so happy in dubai. yea it was my mum's dream to come here to aus, who's dream isnt? but like, idno what happened? maybe cause in dubai my dad had his younger brother there and here he has no close family. well he's got his aunites and stuff but i guess its not the same? and also my mum said dubai wasnt a good place to bring up a family, i guess i understand that and stuff. im not saying i dnt like my life here..i love it, couldnt be happier but i miss what i remember of dubai. my aunty and uncle on my mum's side lived with or near us. and my dad's brother was there too, and i liked growing up there..i wish i remembered more.
but that one thing is so important to me. knowing that there was a time when my dad was genuinely happy.. :( makes me sad now, cause we dnt get along at all..and when we do its only a matter of time before we start shouting at eachother again.. *sigh.
i wish things were like before..

unexpected :)

naww in a way. that just made my day.
so i was home alone as my dad went to the city and drive somewhere for work and stuff. then the phone rings and hesitant to pick it up i still ran to get it. to my surprise, when i say hello? i hear this voice saying dolly? my aunty calls my sister dolly..i forgot why but yea. and then recognising that voice with a smile on my face i say no, ninoshka. and then my aunty says noshkaa! :) aww. i havent heard my aunty's voice in ages, my aunty jane. my second mother? well yeaa she actually called to speak to my grandma who isnt here but at my cousin's house. so we had a little talk :) aww how i miss jane. *sigh
anyway she said she finally got the letters we send her like ages ago. which was good cause she thought it got lost on the way here D: but then she said she'd call again next sunday for my birthday! :) yaaay cant wait. and she also said she sent me a letter and card..i shall be awaiting it all week. checking the letter box. i like snail mail..you take/put more effort in making a card or writing a letter for someone important and posting it with a little stamp on the right hand corner :) see time=effort which = me smiling :) hahhaa ive already got 2 bday cards :)
so yeaa. aww i miss her, and jane's call was unexpected but i was glad. she even was surprised i was home alone :L hahaha. and that she's watching out for me, all the way in india :L making sure i am safe :) aaww.
well back to work i guess. my aunty is a teacher, hahaha she helped me so much growing up. thank you for that. aww i miss you. wish you were here. hopefully i'll see you for christmas? <3
take care, look after yourself ;)

Day 4; a picture of me smiling..with my teeth ;D

SMILE ;D

boo :)

hahaha i wasnt bothered updating my project or challenge atm, i will do it..later :L hahaha so yeaa. i like this pic. and also my mum bought me this along with other stuff. its so warm, and the picture on it is so cute but its kinda big. lol still good.

hiii! :)

Day 5; share you're favourite recipe

lmao i actually dont know my favourite recipe. i like different things. lots of pastas and yummy deserts. omg omg and spring rolls :L hahaha.

my aunty made something on the weekend. it wasnt a real recipe but it was good.
i think it was just caramalised apples sliced on a tray and on top puff pastery and omg. in the oven. when it comes out it is truely delicious! ;)

(8) the smile on your face lets me know that you need me. there's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me. a touch of your hand says you'll catch me if ever i fall. you say it best when you say nothing at all..(8)

lmao heaps old song but so nice :) hahaha. listening to the cover of it by i forgot who but yeaa. :)

i worry and think too much sometimes.. :/

..

lol so it is noticable, on my face. with my smile wich explains so much to people. hahahah. i dnt know how they see it, but apparently they saw that im much happier now that my mum is here. and yeaa i am :) hahha. lmao but its annoying how she keeps calling me her baby :L yea yea i know. im younger and we get along more than my dad. ohh well.


..okay. here's the thing
well i love my great uncle. he's so cute. hahaha and always laughing. he's got a cute smile and is so nice to me :) hahaha.and im all for helping right. i like to help..and i wish there was hope but idno what to do. my uncle just came to me, with his cute smile and asked my why my dad doesnt like my grandma. and i really dnt know why. i wish i did.. i think he may be jealous that she gets so much of my mum's time? idno? but he whispered to me, you should try get them to make up and sort it out. that sorta thing. hey, im only 14 and im not saying thats stopping me from doing it. and i know, i can try. its something that will make everyone happier but idno how. and i dnt exactly get along with my dad. and well. idno what i can do to help them sort it out. thats for my dad to do. i would try, in small ways. i kinda already do. always telling my dad whats his problem and stuff. he gets pissed at my, but hey. just cause im honest and have the guts to speak up. i dnt like the way you treat nana-mary! okay!

the thing i dnt like is how you make is so loud and clear, that she's isnt welcome here. and that just makes me sad, because she is older than you. you should respect her, she gave birth to my mother. and yes you have a problem with her..but again. thats ur problem, and i know. we are all family. and she is ur family too. you may tease and make unnecessary comments about her, and i dnt like hearing it. yea sometimes i laugh, most times i just tell you to shut up! i would hate to be treated that way, especially at the old age she is at. and i dnt mean to be rud and disrespectful saying she but yea. she may not have been there for my birth, as she was for every other grandchild but that doesnt matter, to me anyway..well i could talk a lot about this topic. this issue. because thats what it is, and i still dnt like it. didnt like it when i was younger and i still dnt like it.

Day 3; oth- lucus scott

 Albert Camus once wrote: “Blessed are the hearts that can bend; they shall never be broken.” But I wonder, if there’s no breaking, then there’s no healing. And if there’s no healing, then there’s no learning. And if there’s no learning, then there’s no struggle. And struggle is a part of life, so must all hearts be broken?


- Lucus Scott
season 5. ep 11


Remember tonight, for it is the beginning of always. A promise. Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone. The belief in each other and the possibility of love. A decision, to ignore or simply rise above the pain of the past. The covenant, which at once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties. The celebration of the chance, for two will always be stronger than one. Like a team, braced against the tempest’s of the world. And love will always be the guiding force in our lives. For tonight is mere formality; only an announcement to the world for feelings long held. Promises made long ago, in the sacred space of our hearts.
- Lucus Scott
season 2. ep 16


Much as some of us fight it, our parents have a mystical hold over us; the power to affect our thoughts and emotions the way only they can. It’s a bond that changes over time, but doesn’t diminish, even if they’re half a world away, or in another world entirely. It’s a power we never fully understand. We’re left only to wonder that when our time comes, what kind of hold will we have on our children?


- Lucus Scott
season 5. ep 4

all quotes and stuff is from fyeahonetreehill.tumblr.com :) 

Day 3

Sometimes when you’re young you think nothing can hurt you. It’s like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans. Big Plans. To find your perfect match, the one who completes you. But as you get older you realize it’s not always that easy. It’s not until the end of your life that you realize how the plans you made where simply plans. Because at the end when you’re looking back instead of forward you want to believe you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe you’re leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered.


- Lucus Scott

Day 3; favourite song lyrics/quotes

well idno. i have a lot, that i just find at random times. :L
hahaha. but omg. some of my fav songs and quotes are from one tree hill <3 ofcourse. naa its cause some of the words are so true, and easier to understand and that? but idno. i just love them! some are on my blog..like older posts. pretty good. some im just gna post as day 3 yeaa? ;) not all on this post. but yeaa. its only a few :)

Game Plan - Boston Rebels! Experience the heat!

  Boston Rebels! Catch the magic.

  Boston Rebels! Feel the...
Wait a minute. Who writes this?

HAHAH. saying all that with a swollen tongue :L its just really funny :L

Day 2; my day

well today i..

• woke up at 8.30 and got ready to go for a 10am mass at st Anthony, toongabbie. (first morning mass in like forever :L) it is my uncle's birthday
• got ready, had shower, brushed teeth, straightened my hair
• got KFC for lunch after mass :L
• watched tv.
• got a call from angelica saying we won our game today! :D yaya. so proud of our team :)
• went on computer. tumblr. oth oth oth! ;)
• going out for dinner at 6 with cousins to celebrate my great uncle's birthday. eating at blacktown worker's club
• read (attempted to start assignment. not bothered.) :L HAHAHA
• going to bed early to wake up at 6 or 7 to go pick my mama up from the airport :)

thats my day :)

pretty good i think. except i wish i got to play at our game. i miss soccer! but yeaa. hope you enjoyed ur day too ;)

<3

YAYAYAYAYAY!

tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow!
yaaay! im so happy that my mama is coming home :)
hahaha. im starting to feel more like myself. like im so happy atm. and even better. i got a call from angelica giving me the best news ever! WE WONN! hahaha. well rooty hill. she said 5-0 vs glenwood redbacks. im so proud of them. really wish i was there playing, but unfortunately not. but still we won we won! this is only the beginning of our rise again! and the weather outside is beautiful. like its cool  but warm cause of the sun. love love love it :) YAAAY!

im starting to think you like making me cry.. :/

Day one; introduce yourself..

hey. my name is ninoshka :)

nice to meet you.

hahaha :)

• to smile and laugh :)
• explore/ go on adventures
• hugs
• to make a difference
• watching oth and himym ;)  (and other shows too :L)
• to listen
• my friends and family :)
• beautiful days like today
• good weather
• to know whats gna happen next..but at sitll it being a mystery? :L
• talking :L hahaha.
• happy endings :)
• making people smile :)
• the way people share their talents and express themselves through art, music, words and that sorta stuff :)
• a good story.
• lots of things. :)
  to simply be me :D

Dislike

• being blamed for everything
• being judged
• ..fighting
• being alone at times.
• being angry
•  a few other things too. but i cant remember :L

some of the day thingos i dnt really have anything to say or post so maybe i'll skip it? but yeaa.

that was just a few likes and dislikes of mine :)

this will be interesting.. (off tumblr)

Day One: Introduce yourself. List your likes and dislikes.
Day Two: Make a bulleted list of everything that happened in your day.
Day Three: Share your favorite quote/song lyric.
Day Four: Smile! We want to see your teeth today. Post a self-portrait.
Day Five: Share your favorite recipe.
Day Six: Time to face morph: Pick one of the categories.
Day Seven: Provide pictures of 5 celebrity crushes.
Day Eight: Create a bucket list, whether or not your aspirations or rational.
Day Nine: Describe your food consumption today.
Day Ten: Share one of your current favorite tunes.
Day Eleven: List some of your favorite tumblrs.
Day Twelve: Set a goal.
Day Thirteen: Provide the HEX code(s) of your favorite color(s).
Day Fourteen: Post a Youtube video that makes you laugh/inspires you.
Day Fifteen: This is the last day and you are an owl. Place your hands like this over your eyes and take a picture.

just yeaa..

hey.
lol had a pretty good day today.. :) surprisingly. even though i really wanted to go to vianca's house :(
ohh well.

anyways.
well idno why, but i get scared if im in a room alone and someone closes the door.. idno why but i do D: even before on the weekends, i would still be sleeping on a sat morning and my mum would come past and close the door so the sound wouldnt wake me up but if i got up all of a sudden..id go and open the door again. it always had to be opened. i get scared to be alone in a room with the door closed. like atm, im alone in the study and the door is practically shut, but its not like in the thingo. its not closed but its not open? get me. well idno. i found that i get scared to easily, and i get startled even more easily.

..lying in bed. Staring out the window and i see little stars appear of no where, then staying there. Appearing one at a time. Looking so pretty, they are so little but i can still see it from my bedroom window. Looking out and thinking. Wondering. Hoping. Its quiet. Everyone is in their room or sleeping. Already and its so early. But im happy cause i can wake up from my nap and need not worry about ending the night like the past couple..crying --' im tired of doing this, i want to go back to normal not feeling that way cause it just wasnt helping me in any way what so ever.
Even though i am restricted this long weekend. Im gna do what i want and need in order to enjy myself. Im not gna let them take that away.
Im gna try turning over a new leaf, i already know they see ive changed and maybe not in the good way as i argue a lot, im not doing it on purpose. Not really. I just want him to understand. I want him to get to know me. And maybe even care for me. If that is possible for him.
Anyways thats whats on my mind..4 days. And hopefully all will be good. Please. Dnt let anything bad happen. I dnt want my hope to be shattered..just waiting for my mum and i'll be alright. :) i hope.

dear mr goawayplease :(

you know what i dnt like.
i dnt like how i just tried to help you. doing what you asked me to. i only have so much patience with you. but you still find a way to upset me. and well. thats how it works.
okay, i try. i try so hard not to get in ur way, to annoy you. but it seems that we just cant work together properly. you are meant to be the example. i dnt see how ur setting a good example with what you do, with how you treat me. and when you say im not respectful. where the hell is my respect when you talk to me? where is the respect you should give my friends, who have done nothing to you. ever? :( make me upset. i do nothing, i go out of my way to help you. you dont even say thank you. but instead get angry. me loosing patience. i walk away. and i dnt care if ur mad at me.
yea alright. so i always make it clear that you pick on me, but its true. you shout at me. when deandra is there, she does worse and nothing. you dnt say anything..
and then i get a lecture from a third party. saying that i shouldnt say stuff like that, and its the parents fault that they get it into our head. that they love us both equally. yea yea. blahblah. you say that. but i still get treated the same way :(
sit here. alone. trying to hide the tears. well. i know its not worth it. doing this. all the time. i need to ignore it right? well i need to let him know its not alright, im not alright just crying cause you just wont try understanding. its not alright that you dnt listen to me. its not alright that you think you can say that to me. alright. it is not freaking alright.
and here i sit. again. crying. well trying to hold it in. clenching my teeth, but no. one tear escapes and then another..
to you i am just an idiot. well you know what. if you say im an idiot. than i guess i am. i wont argue there. but know one thing. im not just going to act like you do nothing to me, when in fact. what you say. hurts me the most D':
thank you. for everything. really. you made my freaking day.
ps. i always thought you named my ninoshka because you hated the name or something, you chose my name. but the only time i hear it clear, is when i dnt want to :( i guess i have no reason to believe otherwise. but people, so many people do love my name. and so do i. so i guess i can truely thank you for that.

from: someonewhowantstobeheard

one more thing. i play soccer beacause before you didnt have the time to take me. and also having a friend join with me was more modivation to joining. and well. you boast to everyone that i play. but the way you say it when no one is there, is as if im the worst player :( thanks for making me feel better. all the time. you always know the right words dont you.

..sometimes you need other people to stand up for you.

maybe this would sound better:

..sometimes you need other people to stand up for with you.

not because you're dependent on them. but because them doing that for you, gives you the strength to do it for yourself knowing that someone else is also willing to help you stay strong.

well.
i really cant wait till monday. my mum is finally coming home after being in america for 2 months. i have a terrible feeling when she does come home, she will be as usual stressed with work :( *sigh i wish i could help her there. but i know i cant really. but before she left so much was going on in her office, restructure and moving offices. i saw how stressfull it was. how hectik it was. we went to the city one weekend cause my mum was working and she was there all day :(
but yea. im glad she's coming home, even though i get angry and impatient sometimes. im sorry for being disrespectfull and not appriciating you.even when you called home, to ask how everyone was. you always asked me if anyone was bothering me :L and i would always think yes! hahah but then you knew. already you had said yes. making me realise that you know how much i am alone at home, and that im picked on :( my dad and sister arent exactly the best company all the time. and well. i need you to stop them from saying things that hurt me, i feel so alone. no one standing up for me. sometimes i dnt have the strength to stand alone.. and yea. learing to accept that, it wasnt easy. every time i would get pissed so easliy, i really do get outa hand quickly. i just need to shut up cause i say too much..and im even sorry for that. its just that they dnt realise how it hurts me, or even how im sensitive to that. mainly that. but you know. even though we joke around and stuff, you understand what ive gone through. ofcourse. you know you are my main example. my main role model in life..for somethings more than others but yea. somethings are..well :/ uhh. but ohh well. im glad that even being on the other side of the world, you know that they contiune to say that stuff.. :( im glad you realise that.
thank you.
have a safe flight. dont forget anything in america. and next time, please take me with you!
<3

boo :)

lol. i wanted to do that letter thingo. for 30 days but i feel as though i might be repeating myself with some of the letters? and for some i have nothing to say? lol idno. and also if i have something to say, or a letter to write. then i'll say it to the person i need to, and i'll give the letter to the person its too :) hahha. letters are so special. they really are ;)

ps. i love you people who read my blog :) yaay. thank you. have a lovely night and keep smiling ;)

hey..

one thing i dont really understand..
when you are young, you just want to grow up. im guessing this is because being young, limits you to so much, when really you should look at it as though when you are young, you are being prepared for everything life throws at you, just wishing you were older, or wanting to act older than you are makes it hard for you to learn the things and responsibilities you need to look after yourself as well as, i guess not taking the time to appreciate what you have when you have the time to do so.

when you are older, you just dwell on the past, remembering what you did when you were younger, as well as the things you could have done when you were younger but thinking now its too late.

well age is not barrier. okay so maybe it sometimes limits you to doing something, but maybe only in the physical state as in you wouldnt really be able to climb everest if you were much older person who was unable to climb that high or has problems doing so. but if you are fit, and young at heart and determined i dont see how being 60 is any different from being 22. see what i mean? only your mind makes you believe you are limited to so much, maybe in some, but very few cases people use age as an excuse for not being able to do something. or maybe they arent able to. the list is endless..i think? :L hahaha. but yea. my parents, dont always remember their birthdays. not because theyr old and forget about it, but because they are pre-occupied by other stuff. or have no time. lol my dad even forgot his D.O.B :L hahaha. and how old he is --' silly man. but its because after a certain age, i guess it just doesnt matter the amount of yrs you've been born for, i guess its something to celebrate when you are young, and then really old as you have so many accomplishments and stuff. but other than that. what has age got to do with living life to the fullest? its just a number right? haaha and even my mama. she loves life, does what she wants when she can, and she always tells me she's happy to grow old. thats the thing, old or young your still growing, still learning. my mum is so forgetfull, only because of her stressfull and demanding job, but she is also good at remembering so many important things. always haveing time for others. see. and she's not that old. i guess? hahaha.
whenever i say omg why dnt u understand this or something like that, my mum says happily that she's getting old :L hahah. she's not afraid of wringles or aging badly, and why should anyone be? when they cover their wrinkles, who knows for what personal reason that is, but wrinkles are a sign of living life, just like smiling is a sign of happiness. you cant really cover up a smile if you really wanted to could you? it just stand out. and people who try to look younger, with what they wear or how they look, or try to look older, only seem to forget how precious time really is.
they could easily act older when theyr young, and miss the beauty of being a child. and then when they are older, try to look or act younger. do you try to hide that fact from yourself or others? (not aimed at anyone specifically) i just dnt understand why people go to such great measures to change who they are, in age or appearance? you are you. old or young. still learning and growing.

lol i mixed up a bit of stuff in there but yeaa. just on my mind.
hahaha embrace you. your age. embrace the time of now ;)
 have a wonderful night
<3

i wish you took the chance to properly talk to me. try and actually understand what you do to me, and how it affects me..
please..

ohh well. what doesnt kill me only makes me stronger..only this definately doesnt make me stronger..its like a pressure point.

thats all. bye.

*sigh..

okay so no matter how hard i try its not uploading so i'll try again --'

okay. its not working. blogspot you always have problems with videos. so i will try converting it and upload the mp3? ;)
LMAO but your missing out on the look marilyn gives me after i stuff up D: hahaha. pretty funny. but yeaa..lol i wna do another cover with my talented little cousin. :)

you know what?
i like to look at pictures. it makes you remember so much. a certain person, memory, event or anything like that. one smile, can help bring back so much.

omg looking back at this day, both angel and vianca said it was like one of the most memorable days of '08 ever and omg. i loved 2008 like heaps! it was the building blocks of what is today :) hahaha..kinda.
lmao and that was the time when i always brought my camera to school.
*sigh
good times. good times. :)

okay. ive been trying all night to convert the vid to an mp3 or even uploading it up but nothing. so i guess i wont be putting it up here then? :L
hahaha. how unfortunate :L hahaha.
dw if the next one is good enough i will put it on youtube.
and dw ness, i havent forgotten. i still owe you a cover.. :)

okay. so its that one time of the year. hahaha my birhday is coming up..and i was so sure for what i was gna do this year. but now idno. i know for sure when my mum comes home in 2 weeks she'll be busy with work :( and like stuff like that, it will be too stressfull to be planning my bday. even though she said nothing big this year so yea dnt wna trouble her and yea :/
idno.

lmao but to a lighter topic. i used to absolutely love june cause the whole of june id just wait for my godmother's parcel to come on my doorstep or under my doormat, just wait to receive the bday gift she sends me from america :) hahaha i love reveiving mail, like bday cards and stuff. i feel so special that all my family around the world take the time to write a card, sometimes even a letter just for me and mail it x) hehehe. i love getting mail. and omg the big ones :) hahaha. love it. but for the past couple of years havent been getting a parcel just a card, cause my aunty hasnt been well. and i guess im older now too? but even though im turning 15 i dnt mind getting a pracel :L ahahaa i really dont. ooohh. i wonder if my mama is gna get me something from there? lol something extra special?
lol see to me, my birthday is just like every other day, except for the fact that everyone wishes you happy birthday and everyone i guess is also extra nice to you, and make you feel even more special? but yea. ohh and you get presents as well :L hahaha. but yeaaa :L hahaha.

anyways back to religion. ps sorry for still not uploading the cover..its not working D: --'

they're coming :)

lol so tomorrow afternoon my dad is going to the airport to go pick up my mum's aunty and uncle who are flying in from Geelong? in Melbourne and yeaa. lol im excited havent seen them in a while but most of all i love my mum's uncle. we call him uncle damoscene? lol i cant spell but thats how you say it? :L well both my grandfather's passed away when i was a baby and i was fortunate enough to meet them before they died, and before they died they got a chance to hold me in their arms, and i feel so special but yea. so my mum's uncle, who was also like my mum's dad, i think of him as my grandad. when we were young he would take all 5 of us, my cousins, sister and i to the shops and let us choose numbers for the lotto :L hahaha he loves the lotto and my uncle he's so cute :L cause he's old and yeaa. once he took my sister and i to the shops and bought us ice cream and we quickly ate it before we got home cause my aunt wouldnt have been happy with him :L hahaha he's the best. and even though in primary, on grandparents day everyone would have awsome memories with their grandad, the ones who spoil them and take them to fun places. my mums uncle did this for us, my mum's aunt and uncle unfortunately weren;t able to have kids of their own, D: but they treat us all like their kids and grand kids and im so greatful for them <3 hahaha :) yaay their coming. i have so much fun with my mum's uncle :L he's funny. and cause of my mum i love having guest over at my place :) hahaha.

hope you guys have a safe trip here. see you tomorrow :)
<3

hey. hi :)

lol so im gna upload a vid of my beautiful cousin marilyn and i covering officially missing you, by tamia and i stuffed it up :L hahhaha big time..and if i didnt stuff it up it would have been an alright..

ps. i suck compared to marilyn..i wish she did the cover alone :L ahhahah but i must say we had an awsome time, heaps of fun making this.. :L

ooh and sorry for the rudish intro.hahaha marilyn was getting impatient after saying it so many times :L HAHAH

aww miss this little girl. love her like a sister <3

i really do ruin this song. --'
but enjoy my stuff up cause this vid isnt going anywhere else but here :L hahaha.

pps. it was kinda sad, cause when i was getting the vid of my camera memory card, i noticed how many pics were on there..and around the time when it was stuffing up..there were hardly any pictures :(
and now theres none, no recent ones..i miss having a fully functioning camera. D:
this was taken a while back.

i just finished it and i dno what happened to the beginning so yeaa sorry --'

boo.
well i was gna spam this and put up a whole heap of pictures from recent years but im not bothered anymore as i cannot find this video that i am stuggeling so hard to find --'

Ninoshka says: HI :)

lol this is from yr9 camp. hahaha i kinda like this picture :L

"nature surrounds me" HAHAHAHA. get it?

im scared..of losing people.. :(

in life so far people have walked out and i feel as though ive been left behind..i dnt like that feeling :( that feeling that someone has gone or hasnt made the effort to come back.
..i just watched greys. And people died. People suffered. People walked out. Some having no options to what they were doing..unfortunately some leaving behind their loved ones and friends.. D:
i dnt think id be ready for that..i lose items. Belongings. But i dnt wna lose my friends or family. Or sense of security. Im scared that something will happen and someone might walk out..not looking back. I dnt wna get left bihind. Im scared for that to happen again..to feeel that way. Sometimes i really do feel so helpless..not knowing what to do.
Idno what to do if it would happen again..im not ready..
I dnt even know what im saying :( im thinking way too much.

..anyways night
<3 sweet dreams.

im scared to be forgotten..

dear camera..

i miss you.
i only got you like last yr? or 2 yrs ago? and now your gone..well not gone. just broken. and its hard and expensive to fix you.
it was so simple having you as a camera, everyone loved using you too..i shared you. lol and i always uploaded the pics taken from events..straight away. and now i cant. you missed the athletics carnival, and abby's birthday dinner and sleepover..
*sigh. this isnt gna be easy to get used to. i shall start saving up. and get another one.
sorry gerry for breaking the camera you bought for me. i really didnt do anything intentinal to break it..and im so so sorry!

love ninoshka.

mystery man ;)

lol so i was in the shower right :L doing my thinking..and before i went for a shower i watched the youtube video victor kim made for his girlfriend to say happy birthday and he sang soul sister. hahaha a cute vid.

anyways. and thinking more and more about it, seeing it everywhere, and in the media too. through songs, and tv dramas and series and yeaa all that stuff. i cant wait to find my better half :L hahaha. you know, my special someone. and experience the things i see in every day life. idno it looks..i guess from what i hear, not even words can explain what it really is. hahahah. and im young, 14 to be exact :L hahaha. but yeaa. i can wait. and im excited for that day when i will meet him. mystery man im ready when you are ;) hhahaha. jks. im not ready yet. actually idno. ive only really seen it in movies, and listened to it in songs, what its like. i cant wait to experience it for myself. anyways. i shall be going now..grocery shopping and then off to mass :)

hahaha. i really dnt mind when i do get a boyfriend. really i dnt :L hahaha im happy and loved so much by my friends and family :) i always expected to meet someone after im in like yr12 or something.. :L hahaha im guessing cause my mum was always like, focus on ur studies blahblah. so yeaa :L but if i do meet you before then, lets be friends yeaa? :) friends are awsome :L

hahaha. gotta go. but hope you have a lovely day. <3
keep smiling ;)