It's been a while..

So I'm currently at my uni library, waiting for my next class and thoughts are circulating my mind..round and round and its really just, well, its.. self confrontation..

Recent events have lead up to this and I know partly why I have these circulating thoughts..but more specifically, its what they're about that worries me..

I feel that right now, I'm at a point in my growing up that I've realised I don't like who I've become, I have no real goals, I don't work hard at uni or study much (yet I expect good results) and I don't like who I've become lately..
This lazy me. I know I'm a lazy person but I also know its never been this extreme (okay extreme seems a little dramatic but whatever)

One of my best friends said something that manifested a lot of these thoughts in my mind at this present time, something that I kept close at heart..a little reminder of something I valued..that no longer seems applicable (little did I know)

and so I'm here..in this point in my life where I'm not proud of myself (I have no real reason to be) and I don't know..these thoughts, this self confrontation, it scares me because never did I think that there would be a time in my life (although I'm still quite young) where I wouldn't be happy with myself or my actions and not be able to act on them (not because I can't..but because I have yet to do so..)

This post is unclear, and so much is going on in my head I just wanted to pour some of it out and well, I hope this constant self reflection and evaluation is beneficial and I learn from myself and realise my potential and just get on with creating the person I want to be..because I need to. I..I can't really be happy right now because I don't like the person I am when it comes to myself..

Vlog it like your name is Shay Carl

So today is a day that will go down in history for me because of an event..

Something I will forever remember.

Today I was fortunate enough to have met the one and only Shay Carl and boy oh boy..it was just so.. I can't even put it into words..but i'll try

Through trying to find him with two of my close friends, we eventually just went to a place for some drinks and who was sitting in a corner chatting away when we walked in..none other than Shay Carl and haha it was such a surprise I didn't know how to react, my heart was beating so fast with excitement and so I just had a massive smile on my face and waved to him!! hahah he ofc waved back smiling, however with a somewhat surprised look on his face, probably thinking...wow these girls actually know me or something..

Well the main thing I wanted to say is how grateful I am to have met him in person but also to have started watching his vlogs about a year back thanks to my awesome friends!! :) In such a short amount of time (compared to how long you've been vlogging) I've become so attached to your vlogs and family and just believe in so much of what you stand for!

There's really so much I wanted to say to him, we all did, but at the time we couldnt think of much but really Shay I want you to know..

I know you know you have touched and impacted the lives of so many individuals around the world, but you don't realise the extent that impact has! I cannot thank you enough for everything you and Colette have taught me, through your family life, the podcasts I've listened to/watched and for all the advice and encouragement you give to everyone who watches you, but most importantly, for being brave in sharing your personal life with the internet and hundreds of thousands of people daily!! What you're doing is simply incredible..you said you're just Shay..but you're really not! You're Shay Carl Butler, an ordinary guy doing something so extraordinary and I thank you and your family so much with all my heart! You really are something special!! There really is so much more I could say, not to say you'll read this but you never know :) I admire you and everything you do and have done and it encourages me even more to be a better person

Thanks for making today an incredible day and for chatting with us and just for being you and doing what you do! haha we'll keep watching as long as you keep vlogging! :)

Love you!

(need to insert photo here)

Self-inflicted rant

So I have two assignmeny due tomorrow..my last two..weighing 30% and 35% both of which I've done the bare minimum for and I'm just extremely irritated at myself for leaving it ao last minute dispite telling myself I wouldn't and id learn from last time..but I didnt and even worse cos its twice as bad this time..

Bottom line is, (I feel like a brat saying this) but I just dont want to do it, and as terrible and as pathetic as that sounds, thats the reason that comes to mind when I question myself with this irresponsible behavior! I have no clue where im going or what I want to do with my life. I feel like I have no ambition and again that makes me even more annoyed at myself because if I had even the slightest clue then at least id be more willing and motivated to do better and apply myself more at uni work.

I dont like being like this. I don't like being this kinda person who feels they have no direction...

I know I can be organised and if I wanted to and applied myself more I know I can do so much better! That annoys me too, that I know I can do better, yet I dont.

I believe its true when people say you are the only thing standing in your way..to achieve greatness or anything really..
I am the one whos pathetic
I am the one whos making excuces for myself, to myself to try and justify why I do what I do (most of the time this is useless)
I am the one whos not making the effort or choosing not to apply myself.

For whatever reason it is, it comes down to me. If I dont like who I am in doing this then obviously I gotta stop making excuses and do something about it..and its not that I dont want it enough, it's just I don't know why..

I am my worst enemy.

"Sometimes I think we waste our words and we waste our moments and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance."

-Clay Evans, One Tree Hill

(one of my favourite quotes from season 7)

I love you

Sometimes, just randomly I guess, but sometimes I just msg one or a few of my friends a simple msg of "I love you" and yea its random because it comes out of the blue..well when they receive my msg anyway and hopefully it makes them smile but most of the time I get a reply saying "where did that come from?" if not "love you too" and because I'm me, I say, "it comes from my heart.." hahhaahha which is completely true, but these texts are normally random not because I love my friends sometimes more than others..which I guess could be possible but it's more so because I just randomly feel the need to tell them that I love them, because I always do, but I don't always say it..and sometimes I just want to..it all really started when I begun watching one tree hill and realise how greatful and fortunate I am to have the friends I do and to have formed such strong friendships :) that show always hits the spot haha really won't ever get tired of it..ever!! :)

So yea I've wanted to blog for ages but i never seem to..or hardly ever do..lol and I find it amazing that right now I'm using a blogspot app on my phone..when a few years ago I wished I could hahhaa times are a changing..

There are a few other things that I wanted to blog about..maybe I'll end up doing it, maybe not..hopefully I do thou.

not cool

I know I haven't blogged in a while, and im sorry for that..considering the circumstances I wish I was here for a more joyful occasion but..

I feel a sickness in my stomach..knowing the truth, but more so knowing that previously and hearing you tell me otherwise..as a family we dont talk a lot about much but thats alright because i have my friends and my cousins for that, and thats just the way its been and because of that i guess i can understand more..but still

at around 230am this morning, my body woke me up, i dont know why but it did..then i could hear my mum on the phone, at such an odd hour. i listened carefully and realised, it was bad news, it was about my avo mama (my dad's mum) she was sick for a while and now, she was no more.. from the phone call i heard bits and pieces clearly, mostly hearing my mum saying make sure she has a nice coffin and everything like that, talking to my dads sisters in goa. so hearing this obviously i started to think, and found it harder to get back to sleep..i was thinking about my cousins who were so close to my avo, i wasnt all that close with her at all but she was still my avo..

i woke up this morning and while eating breakfast, my mum told me my avo was just really sick and its her final days, even thou its bad to say, its best that she passes away because of the pain she is in..which i completely understand and know its for the best. but little did she know that i knew, i heard the phone conversation and i wanted my mum to confirm my thoughts..instead she didnt. and so being me, i had to know. so i went on facebook and my cousin's page and saw the last thing she posted..about my avo mama passing away..and it kinda hurt that my mum lied to me, i can understand i guess that she needs time to process it and everything, but we're not babies, and she needs to stop sugarcoating everything and just tell us how it is. i know, we all know death is a part of life, its inevitable.. and i guess considering the circumstances i won't  say anything about  it, but i wish she told me the truth..

not cool

and i can hear my dad isn't coping that well with it..but my mum still wants him to be hush about it..thats not fair, let him react and let him express his emotions.

Ive had a lot of people, distant relations pass away but never anyone in my immediate family. ive been to many funerals, participated in different ways, again never my immediate family..even though i wasnt close with my avo mama, she's still my avo, and she's still my dad's mother and may she Rest In Peace <3

My favourite girls #graduated

McAuley Year 12 Class of 2012

14th September 2012

Memories from the last week of school :) love these girls <3