here we go again..

I'll write you just to let you know that im alright

can't say im say to see you go..

lol dont you just love paramore..they have the words for everything :L hahhaa.

..well. the thought came and hit me, suddenly --'

i thought i was ready. lol vanessa, i bet you kinda know what im on about?

ages ago, dont remember when. but it was when everyone was thinking about next yr and stuff. and well i was sad. and then when you guys got ur reports back, and mann vanessa i seriously am still so proud of you and abby to and angel. 

..but like how when you got ur report, and then you were saying so happily that your going to st marys and stuff..and well. i cried --'

and like i said, im proud of all of you guys. like really couldnt be happier for you, but then you know me. and you know how i feel about you guys leaving. and i swear its not going to be a repeat of the last time..its not. and i believe that. but im say to see you goo..

and you can understand, just like i understand how much it means to you getting in and stuff.

its just weird how before it was just the thought of you guys going..i was still getting over the fact of angel going for sure..and now you two too. *sigh and then on fb, one of my other friends..used to be one of my best friends in primary, natasha. she also got into st marys. and then i see how its kinda like a repeat of yr6. like with the whole, your going and im staying kinda thing. well its different but still..and then how its so sure you'll keep in touch with each other, but it just didnt seem to work with me? :/ and im over it now. but it took me so long to understand. i get it. people check. yea i learned to accept that. but like i see you, and you have a best friend from another school. and you seemed to keep in touch with them without any trouble at all..and then how when we talk again, and have these random convos, bringing back memories..and then you have that hope and stuff, that feeling that yea were actually talking about meeting up and stuff..but it never happens.

sigh. lol sorry for that. but yeaa..

here we go again.. only this time it will be different. cause times change, and it doesnt have to repeat itself either..and im so not losing any more close friends just cause of the fact that we wont be in the same school anymore.. thats a promise i intent to keep, no matter what :)

i guess this feeling..will be coming and going till the end of the year, and it will take me some time to get used to..

imagine..

have you ever wondered how life would be if you hadnt ever met someone that is now so significant to ur life?
someone who now means so much to you?
someone who is a huge part of ur every day activity?
or even just someone that you enjoy having around?

well i was watching oth..again of course :L and well it was in season 4. when lucus has a heart attack and he says, why do bad things always happen to good people? if bad things always happen to people who are kind and loving and do nothing bad, then why should they be that way?
why should you be nice even when you know that you might not be treated the same way?
why would you bother doing something kind for someone else when you know they dont care, or wont notice?
you know, you can say that for just about anything. and the truth is, as even lucus noticed. you may not realise how much you mean to someone. or how much you doing something for someone else can help them in a huge way. you dont always know or realise the outcome of a certain action. but you do it anyway, your nice because you like to be nice. ur helpful cause you are able to help.

you never really know how what you say can change the way someone things. sometimes you could feel you are so insignificant in this wide world, but the truth is. to someone you could mean so much, you could be the reason they feel significant. even smiling at someone, or a simply hello now and again could make all the difference ;) seriously, you never know.

see. bet you didnt think of that aye? :L
hahahah. and if you know me well enough, you would know im the kind of person who will say whats on my mind if i have something to say :L hahaha or if i think something can make a difference, i will do or say whatever i have to. and most of the time i dont expect anything in return but do it because well. sharing is caring, and i love to share :L hahahaa. my random thoughts. and then those random times where i feel the need to express my love for..well the people i love :) hahaha.

well yeaa..just wanted to share. as always oth gets me thinking, but you see. cause ive watched this ep before even though im watching it again it still makes me think. i think of all the people that mean so much to me, the people i rely on, or even the people that are around me most of the time. and honestly, i dont think i could imagine life without any of them, atm they are all a huge impact on my life. if you already didnt know that.. :)
so yeaa. when you think you dont mean anything to anyone, or that the little things you do dont matter. think again.. cause in the end..

its the little things that makes the biggest difference.. and its the little things that count ;)

woo. spring is just around the corner <3

i kinda dont like the feeling of being helpless in a situation where you try so hard to help.. :/

tomorrow is going to be.. D:

in the morning i will cram in some studying for religion
then when the bell for homeroom goes i have to go to the front gate of the school and escort new people around to sign in and then to meeting room 3.
then i have to run to first period-which is my re exam
then is P2
then at recess im helping out with the cake stall thingo
P3-pe prac --'
P4- math? --'
lunch is MAG meeting and i have to present something i think? talk about an issue and how we can help? i think. hahhaa its all in my head just waiting to come out :L when im passionate about something, i will make everyone know that :L HAHAHHA..i think?
then P5 is science? and i have so much hw due for that --'

then go home, hopefully get some hw in and then training! i still have to start/finish my english speech thats due on wednesday D:

strangers.

today my sister and i were the welcomers for the youth mass.
so we stood at the main front doors of the church welcoming in the parishioners and handing out bulletons? but yeaa so we were doing that with a smile.

and then i was welcoming this lovely old lady, "hi! welcome to the youth mass. :D" handing her a bulleton and then she stand facing me, and asked if the youth choir is singing and im like yeaaa they are ;D and she's like ohh lovely, i like them (but they arent all that good) and yeaa she was kinda talking to me for a min or 2 and then she's like everytime i see you, you look older and more pretty. and then im like x) aww thanks. hehehe. but the thing is, that was the first time i saw her..i think? but it seemed like she knew me or something? idno. but that kinda old lady made my day :) hehehehe. nawww. how sweet, and she fully had an american or canadian accent. hahaha.
:D

i just dont know what to think.
im disappointed in myself. somewhat jealous too. im upset. sad. im thinking. im.. scared?

almost every time i get feelings like this i always end up being scared.
why am i scared?
because the future is so near..

(again i did a lot of thinking while on the train and stuff and i was going to blog..but i dont feel like it. lets leave it at that. woahh been listening to paramore all day. making me feel better i guess? its a good mood for the paramore songs im listening to.)

the weather mirrors my emotions. i was happy all day. until 2.25pm. and now the temperature is getting cooler and the sky is cloudy and grey..perfect..

its weird how my mood can change so quickly from something someone tells me, something i hear, something i think about.

..just then. that happened. and now..well. i dont know. i feel sad. and when i try to smile. i dont. and when i try to think of something else. i cant; its hard. and im scared..

even today on the train home. my mum started talking to me. saying how she's hoping my aunty is okay. hoping that she gets better.
im so scared, i dont know what to think..i havent actually had anyone close to me die before..and every time my mum is on the phone and i walk past, she is explaining my aunty to someone. i guess everyone is concerned with her condition.
she is my godmother, she is my middle name. she is my mum's closest sister. she treats me like her own daughter, and now. she's sick.

dear lord,
i pray for eudora. that she may get better, that she may get more healthier and that she and her family are safe on vacation. that when they come home she is well. when mama talks about eudora when she went to america, she said how sick she was, and that things were really bad. that her kids needed to be less dependent on her.. that scares me. i dont want anything to happen to her. please keep her safe, help eudora get better. :(

my mum went all the way to america for 2 months to be with her eldest sister. she went with my grandma..

things in my family are so complicated.. my mum told me so much on the train.

how that bitch took everything from my uncle..how she took everything he had, his life. his happiness. his only son that he lived for..
he is getting better now.. but what she did to my uncle is unforgivable. im a forgiving person, but that is one thing i dont understand. the stupid thing she did. and made my uncle suffer. makes me so angry just thinking about it.
ahh. right now. i feel all negativity..
so many thoughts running through my mind..

even though this, one thing stands out..i hope they are okay. :(