hmmm...*sigh*
i wna visit my primary. in english refreshing our memory a tad on grammar i remembered primary and how i miss it. havent been there in a while, i always remember how on a thursday u would see a few sac people come and visit, and then i would imagine how i would make sure to visit whenever i could on thursday and go with my friends to our teachers and say hey and yeaa..i never got to. i did visit, but only on grad and that was two years ago? :s
and then i want to go, maybe this thursday? jst drop by, see all my old teachers, the place that made me who i am, in so many ways. so many memories are in that school, within those grounds. and that church. my priest who mdeme stornger and gave me more understanding my faith. one thing i will never forget and that is the importance of st john vianneys to me. :)
so..i wna visit, but idno. how do i do it? most of all i dnt wna go by myself.. :/ but idno. i could wait. and go some other time..hmm. idno? maybe i can go with my cousin? :)
i wonder..but i really do wna go, but will it be this thursday?
Monday, March 29, 2010
i miss you.
so dearly. havent seen you in ages. and on saturday night when i couldnt stop crying, i just wished you were there with me. as simple as that. jst ur presence in my house. but your where you are needed most, with your family.
jst spoke to you on the phone, and i am upset because i was rude to you, its been so long since i spoke to you, but im in a bad mood and now im annoyed because i didnt talk to you properly. :'( im sorry, i didnt mean to be disinterested. you said you missed me and loved me too..i miss you so much, and everytime i think about you not being here, with me, i get teary. i miss you that much. and ofcourse i love you too. u said u wished so so so much if i could go to india, and be with you for the holidays. oh how i long to be with you, in times when all hope is lost in this family. i just want you. no one else. but i can never use the right words to express how much i love you. you are my family, and i need you to be okay, even if that is across the globe, in another continent from me. i just miss you, and understand that your family needed you and you made that sacrifice and left, for them to go back. risking ur opportunity to get a steady job and live here, then bring ur family. but he was sick and needed you, and now your there. and have been for so many years. or so it seems like that, to me.
please, i wish i could stay with yo for a while, jst dnt have the money. but i cant wait to see you if we come down in december, everytime we talk i feel like crying. i just miss you.
look after yourself, and your family.
im praying for you, that yoy will be well.
i love you.. <3
:'(
jst spoke to you on the phone, and i am upset because i was rude to you, its been so long since i spoke to you, but im in a bad mood and now im annoyed because i didnt talk to you properly. :'( im sorry, i didnt mean to be disinterested. you said you missed me and loved me too..i miss you so much, and everytime i think about you not being here, with me, i get teary. i miss you that much. and ofcourse i love you too. u said u wished so so so much if i could go to india, and be with you for the holidays. oh how i long to be with you, in times when all hope is lost in this family. i just want you. no one else. but i can never use the right words to express how much i love you. you are my family, and i need you to be okay, even if that is across the globe, in another continent from me. i just miss you, and understand that your family needed you and you made that sacrifice and left, for them to go back. risking ur opportunity to get a steady job and live here, then bring ur family. but he was sick and needed you, and now your there. and have been for so many years. or so it seems like that, to me.
please, i wish i could stay with yo for a while, jst dnt have the money. but i cant wait to see you if we come down in december, everytime we talk i feel like crying. i just miss you.
look after yourself, and your family.
im praying for you, that yoy will be well.
i love you.. <3
:'(
Friday, March 26, 2010
freaking hell i wna escape!
always. any time that i am happy or excited for something. my frkn parents have to ruin in. always. and im tired of it. tired of wasting time crying over these useless things that always come in my way, omg shout. shout. shout. i wna escape. right now. i jst feel like walking out, going away from this hell. fucking hell what do i live for, always being told what i can or cant do. im annoyed that almost ever aspect of my life is controlled by these people that are meant to be my family. well most of the time, i dnt even consider it. ahh. freak i just wish i could be that child, that was once always so happy. but no. all the time some new problem. some new shitty rule or mood will ruin my plans and im in trouble. im getting shouted at. please. please. leave me alone. yea ur always saying im always trying to be with my friends, talking to them on the phone or whatever. its coz they make me happy, all those times you are the reason i cry and get pissed and angry. they are the ones who help me smile again. the ones who accept me for me. you are meant to know me, you are my family but no. its never good enough. never satisfying is it? always picking on my faults..
..whatever anyway, no one cares how i feel, or what makes me happy. as long as it doesnt get in the way of their happiness. ruined my mood, ruined my day, as usual im the one who ends up in tears. thanks for always making me happy, because it seems that what i do most of the time, if it isnt homework, or studies or some shit like that, then it doesnt matter. im always meant to be studying, according to you, thats what i live for, well stuff you. i may seem rude and disrespectful atm but i dnt care, i will say what i want. well type what i want. no one listens to me at home, to what i feel..im constantly trying to keep everything to myself, making sure not to get in the way. gosh..i jst really wna escape. and i have a feeling, even the holidays wont be much of an escape if i cant go out a lot D:
..i jst wna escape. i wish i could get away from this sadness that is always dragging me here. home is where the heart is, if so, this isnt my home. beacause most of the time, my heart is elsewhere :(
..whatever anyway, no one cares how i feel, or what makes me happy. as long as it doesnt get in the way of their happiness. ruined my mood, ruined my day, as usual im the one who ends up in tears. thanks for always making me happy, because it seems that what i do most of the time, if it isnt homework, or studies or some shit like that, then it doesnt matter. im always meant to be studying, according to you, thats what i live for, well stuff you. i may seem rude and disrespectful atm but i dnt care, i will say what i want. well type what i want. no one listens to me at home, to what i feel..im constantly trying to keep everything to myself, making sure not to get in the way. gosh..i jst really wna escape. and i have a feeling, even the holidays wont be much of an escape if i cant go out a lot D:
..i jst wna escape. i wish i could get away from this sadness that is always dragging me here. home is where the heart is, if so, this isnt my home. beacause most of the time, my heart is elsewhere :(
Saturday, March 20, 2010
short fuse
okay. so today at mass i saw this guy i used to like, he was a really good friend too and a lot of unfortunate events happened last year and our parents dont talk.
which is completely unfair coz it means its hard for us to talk to them, not the parents but the kids. and i miss him, and his sister.
its not fair how we cant even talk properly, and we were good friends. rarely even talk online, and when we see eachother its like, we're, in a way worried if our parents see or something. omg. its their problem so why get us kids involved in ur politics? :/
i dnt like the fact that our friendship is like broken coz of our families..i miss them.
omg and im all of a sudden so pissy..so wish ness was still over or i was still at angel's place..
which is completely unfair coz it means its hard for us to talk to them, not the parents but the kids. and i miss him, and his sister.
its not fair how we cant even talk properly, and we were good friends. rarely even talk online, and when we see eachother its like, we're, in a way worried if our parents see or something. omg. its their problem so why get us kids involved in ur politics? :/
i dnt like the fact that our friendship is like broken coz of our families..i miss them.
omg and im all of a sudden so pissy..so wish ness was still over or i was still at angel's place..
somehow it seems you dnt really care about me or how you can really upset me..
you know i am your daughter, and some of the things you say to/about me, really makes me wonder if you think so to.. :(
i try. yea we argue a hell of a lot, in my family everyone does, especially with me. and the time i am with my friends, i can always just be myself, not worried about anything. having fun, enjoying myself, and just being naturally happy. coz im with them, and in so many ways they are my family. and i wish i lived with them rather the family i have at home, who judge me for everything i do. dont even care. freak last week, my first soccer game and you didnt even bother to come, yea i said it was okay coz i was going with angel and her awsome family. but they are so supportive, and show how much they love each other and angel too.. i wish my family was like that. angel you really are so lucky.
and now i remind you about my game tomorrow and ur like, no im not taking you, tell your mother to. :'(
it freaking really hurts to be treated like this by ur own family, why the hell cant we jst stop fighting, im tried of crying over this. tired of sounding so negetive when it comes to the topic of my family, sometimes theyr not that bad. most of the time they are. and i wish it changed.. D':
you know i am your daughter, and some of the things you say to/about me, really makes me wonder if you think so to.. :(
i try. yea we argue a hell of a lot, in my family everyone does, especially with me. and the time i am with my friends, i can always just be myself, not worried about anything. having fun, enjoying myself, and just being naturally happy. coz im with them, and in so many ways they are my family. and i wish i lived with them rather the family i have at home, who judge me for everything i do. dont even care. freak last week, my first soccer game and you didnt even bother to come, yea i said it was okay coz i was going with angel and her awsome family. but they are so supportive, and show how much they love each other and angel too.. i wish my family was like that. angel you really are so lucky.
and now i remind you about my game tomorrow and ur like, no im not taking you, tell your mother to. :'(
it freaking really hurts to be treated like this by ur own family, why the hell cant we jst stop fighting, im tried of crying over this. tired of sounding so negetive when it comes to the topic of my family, sometimes theyr not that bad. most of the time they are. and i wish it changed.. D':
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
the pressure is on
alright so jst had my shower after soccer training and omg.
i did sometihng thinking and 'planning' in the shower :L hahaha. and jst realised how much work i have to get done. and no, atm i am not procrastonating, well i am but not like that, i want to do my english and geo assignment but i have something more important atm that i need to get organised for tomorrow.. :/
so tomorrow will be heaps busy. after school..i need to go places, get stuff and do other stuff and even go to the lake to get pics for my geo assignment. and omg. right now my shoulders kill, like ouhhhhh D: like shutter style.. :/
ohh right. im so last min atm for geo..i shall be organised from now on. i promise! i really do.
so dnt really have time for english tomorrow..but i shall try and squeeze it in..and omg also have a history elective exam on friday..gotta prepare. :/
craaaap! im tried atm too..waiting for the pics to load so i can move on, and get this done with..it sure is taking its time..
ahh and then no tutoring on sat..which is good so i can properly sleepover angel's pl but i did want tutoring so i could be more prepared for the math exam on monday..but i guess i can do independent study for that..i got my work and yeaa..i guess im good for that.
ohh right, forgot about friday..going angel's house after school to get ready for her bday dinner and then going out with everyone! :) comming home and sleepover! :)
im excited but atm got so much more to think about..im getting a tad worried..
lol i hope everything for well..yeaa..bday goes well.. i know it will but still..
omg and we are now playing for rooty hill. trainings are on tue and thu but we can still train normal on wed but idno..i would so go training tomorrow but so much to do D:
and then got our game on sunday..woo i really am enjoying soccer, especially with angel <3
then comes next wk,
monday- geo assignment due, math exam
tue- trainning i guess
wed-fri- yr7 camp
i will miss out on training and so much school work..and not only this, but next week is the 2nd last week of school..damnn i really gotta be more organised.
ooooh and i applied at kmart. got an email from them saying how my application was successfully recieved and stuff.. i need a job but i said the days i would work is thu/fri after school/evenings? idno if i will manage but i shall try..
alright then, the pics have loaded, gna get this done and then get notes down for english!
D: so tired. im dying atm..someone please help me!
i did sometihng thinking and 'planning' in the shower :L hahaha. and jst realised how much work i have to get done. and no, atm i am not procrastonating, well i am but not like that, i want to do my english and geo assignment but i have something more important atm that i need to get organised for tomorrow.. :/
so tomorrow will be heaps busy. after school..i need to go places, get stuff and do other stuff and even go to the lake to get pics for my geo assignment. and omg. right now my shoulders kill, like ouhhhhh D: like shutter style.. :/
ohh right. im so last min atm for geo..i shall be organised from now on. i promise! i really do.
so dnt really have time for english tomorrow..but i shall try and squeeze it in..and omg also have a history elective exam on friday..gotta prepare. :/
craaaap! im tried atm too..waiting for the pics to load so i can move on, and get this done with..it sure is taking its time..
ahh and then no tutoring on sat..which is good so i can properly sleepover angel's pl but i did want tutoring so i could be more prepared for the math exam on monday..but i guess i can do independent study for that..i got my work and yeaa..i guess im good for that.
ohh right, forgot about friday..going angel's house after school to get ready for her bday dinner and then going out with everyone! :) comming home and sleepover! :)
im excited but atm got so much more to think about..im getting a tad worried..
lol i hope everything for well..yeaa..bday goes well.. i know it will but still..
omg and we are now playing for rooty hill. trainings are on tue and thu but we can still train normal on wed but idno..i would so go training tomorrow but so much to do D:
and then got our game on sunday..woo i really am enjoying soccer, especially with angel <3
then comes next wk,
monday- geo assignment due, math exam
tue- trainning i guess
wed-fri- yr7 camp
i will miss out on training and so much school work..and not only this, but next week is the 2nd last week of school..damnn i really gotta be more organised.
ooooh and i applied at kmart. got an email from them saying how my application was successfully recieved and stuff.. i need a job but i said the days i would work is thu/fri after school/evenings? idno if i will manage but i shall try..
alright then, the pics have loaded, gna get this done and then get notes down for english!
D: so tired. im dying atm..someone please help me!
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
'the plan'
lol most of the time, when im either looking forward to something or need to be prepared i make a plan..and i had a plan about getting a job. at the easter show, as it was so convenient!
like seriously, you get paid like $11.50 or $14 an hour. and you work either all days of the week or only a few and on top of that it was during the 2 weeks for easter holidays.
it is so convenient as
1. dnt need to go out of my way to go to work..meaning i can easily get there by train
2. in the holidays so no need to worry about hw and school
3. get paid heaps more than a normal job
4. you only work for the 2 weeks in the holidays, and make enough money
5. good job experience
6. omg you freaking get to sell show bags ;) hahaha.
7. its an awsome first job
the only down fall is this..i didnt get the job D:
as eager as i was, applying for the job as soon as i heard about it, i didnt get it. deandra, who applied after me got one of the jobs --'
its annoying but sucks for me..like i said..'most' of my plans go according to what i intend on doing..sometimes it just doesnt work out. and i really want a job coz im broke! and that sucks.
ohh well..i shall look elsewhere. as usual. waiting. *sigh* i really did want that job. oh well. i'll get over it..
now to go look for places to apply at ;)
like seriously, you get paid like $11.50 or $14 an hour. and you work either all days of the week or only a few and on top of that it was during the 2 weeks for easter holidays.
it is so convenient as
1. dnt need to go out of my way to go to work..meaning i can easily get there by train
2. in the holidays so no need to worry about hw and school
3. get paid heaps more than a normal job
4. you only work for the 2 weeks in the holidays, and make enough money
5. good job experience
6. omg you freaking get to sell show bags ;) hahaha.
7. its an awsome first job
the only down fall is this..i didnt get the job D:
as eager as i was, applying for the job as soon as i heard about it, i didnt get it. deandra, who applied after me got one of the jobs --'
its annoying but sucks for me..like i said..'most' of my plans go according to what i intend on doing..sometimes it just doesnt work out. and i really want a job coz im broke! and that sucks.
ohh well..i shall look elsewhere. as usual. waiting. *sigh* i really did want that job. oh well. i'll get over it..
now to go look for places to apply at ;)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
lol so i jst typed a lot. and its all gone. ohh well..my mood has changed. not that moody anymore.
hahaha. abby jst called me..past my time but oh well. and she kinda cheered me up, without even knowing.
thats what i love about my friends, they can cheer me up instantly, without even knowing. thats why im always happy when im with them..they are like my source of happiness? i always know that after talking to them i'll feel better :)
but yeaa..only a few mins but she said about last night, how she wanted to sleep over vianca's, how we all left late and like, we all ate dinner together, hahaha all so hungry. like a family.
another thing i love about my friends, we are so much like a family..im so greateful for that, coz unlike my family family, my friends are so much more, its like different. idno but i love my family or friends :) hahaha. if that makes sense.
and abby was like when we go surf school..we all go. and like rent a place and we can also do our road trip to qld. i cant wait to go exploring and travelling with my awsome friends.
anyways. i dnt wna ruin my good post with anything negetive so yeaa..
have a lovely night ;)
<3
hahaha. abby jst called me..past my time but oh well. and she kinda cheered me up, without even knowing.
thats what i love about my friends, they can cheer me up instantly, without even knowing. thats why im always happy when im with them..they are like my source of happiness? i always know that after talking to them i'll feel better :)
but yeaa..only a few mins but she said about last night, how she wanted to sleep over vianca's, how we all left late and like, we all ate dinner together, hahaha all so hungry. like a family.
another thing i love about my friends, we are so much like a family..im so greateful for that, coz unlike my family family, my friends are so much more, its like different. idno but i love my family or friends :) hahaha. if that makes sense.
and abby was like when we go surf school..we all go. and like rent a place and we can also do our road trip to qld. i cant wait to go exploring and travelling with my awsome friends.
anyways. i dnt wna ruin my good post with anything negetive so yeaa..
have a lovely night ;)
<3
controlled
most of my life atm can be summed up by one word.
controlled!
controlled!
i wish it wasnt. but in way to many ways, it is.. --'
i am 14.
almost 15.
still young i guess..
but still.. i have a right to do what i want, with reason. its not like i take advantage of my parents or anything like that.
its like..ninoshka do this. do that. dnt do this.
why are you going here?
who is going?
why do u need to go?
whats going to happen?
blahblah. and the questions go on. so much for the trust..
common. i have a mouth. i have the freedom of speech and of anything else. i choose to do the right things. but sometimes i dnt wna..jst coz i feel so controlled.
this one word. that says so much. is the reason i am now, at the age of 14. scared of so much. freaking hell. now im learning to look past those fears, try new things. explore. my life right now is so boring. and i dnt want it to be D: i dnt like it.
i feel left out. coz theres only so much i can do at times.. this is annoying. everytime.
its the same thing. you can do it when ur 18. freaking hell, feels as though my life beings at the age of 18. coz it feels like thats when i'll get my freedom. not like im trapped or anything like that but still..its important to
(sorry forgot what i was gna say and i didnt finish or publish at the time so im doing it now)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
kinda lonely..?
you know how you jst get that feeling sometimes..where you jst wna go somewhere?
well i felt like that jst then. so i went for a walk..hoping to have some ompany i called like 4 friends, all of which was either busy or somewhere else and then i even called my cousin, who no surprise was busy with assignments --'
lol felt so lonley..
its a thursday and im at home. alone.
i was tired before so decided to take a nap, which was shortly interrupted by shit head deandra shouting "yaay i got the easter show job!" --'
and rubbing it in my face, lol i even got a headache from not napping properly.
so now im here, back home. and feeling kinda gloomy and a tad pissed?
i really did want that job :/
ohh well..shall apply else where then..
hmm. maybe i'll get started on revising my english.
lol and even though i went for a walk alone, i still enjoyed the nice weather. it was nice and cool, see even in those pissy times, you should look for something worth enjoying ;)
see ya.
well i felt like that jst then. so i went for a walk..hoping to have some ompany i called like 4 friends, all of which was either busy or somewhere else and then i even called my cousin, who no surprise was busy with assignments --'
lol felt so lonley..
its a thursday and im at home. alone.
i was tired before so decided to take a nap, which was shortly interrupted by shit head deandra shouting "yaay i got the easter show job!" --'
and rubbing it in my face, lol i even got a headache from not napping properly.
so now im here, back home. and feeling kinda gloomy and a tad pissed?
i really did want that job :/
ohh well..shall apply else where then..
hmm. maybe i'll get started on revising my english.
lol and even though i went for a walk alone, i still enjoyed the nice weather. it was nice and cool, see even in those pissy times, you should look for something worth enjoying ;)
see ya.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
live life. live the dream; no fear ;)
omg i love one tree hill so much. like its different from most soaps :L hahahah sounds funny but it really is, it teaches and shows you so much more than what you expect. but of course it is so entertaining ;)
hehehehe. love it.
hayley and nathan..forever and always <3
lol it really is an amazing show. watched it during my 'break' hahahaha. anyways..back to science i go :)
hehehehe. love it.
hayley and nathan..forever and always <3
lol it really is an amazing show. watched it during my 'break' hahahaha. anyways..back to science i go :)
memories
lol you know what?
theres always lots to say on days like this where u have time to think :)
this weather is pretty relaxing, but im at home anyway..doing science. well i promise i will start at 9.45 or 10.00 ;)
so..yesterday afternoon i walked home with my friend gabby, lol we dnt really have much to talk about at school.. :L jst constantly saying HI :) but still, i like talking to gabby. we walked home and talked too..about stuff. and i had ice cream and got all sticky so went to gabby's house and washed up, then jst stayed there for a while, and naww. gabby played me the song she is writting. its so beautiful, and love gabby's voice.
hahaah. what the point of this is, most of my really close friends..i love talking to them. lol about anything. its pretty awsome having people you can share so much with :)
when walking home, we were saying how we missed one of my other friends angelica, and how she always brings so much life and laughter each day. hahaha shes so funny. and cute ;)
and then the sad fact of how she is leaving next yr, going to another school for yr 11 and 12. and so are a lot of my other close friends..and i know. i shouldnt think about that now when theses still so much time but still...ima miss them heaps and heaps.. school jst wont be the same without them.
but not only that, but i know things will change. obviously school life will change, from such a big group to so many of us leaving. me..im still unsure of it all. not exactly the best feeling, and then u think about the people who have it all planned out. sometimes its good to have a plan, jst so you know you dnt have to worry about the future coz well, you can work towards whatever you want. but its a hard decision to make, this will decide the beginning of ur future? maybe? lol idno. but i wish i had a clearer idea of whats gna happen to me. :/
ohh well. lol
im thankful for the people i have met on my high school journey so far, those people i know who will be part of my journey forever :) and even those who might not make it as far? but anyway..id better get going. science is waiting for me.
hope you all have a lovely day. and if you dnt already, tell those people you love how much you appriciate them, or they might not know ;)
<3
theres always lots to say on days like this where u have time to think :)
this weather is pretty relaxing, but im at home anyway..doing science. well i promise i will start at 9.45 or 10.00 ;)
so..yesterday afternoon i walked home with my friend gabby, lol we dnt really have much to talk about at school.. :L jst constantly saying HI :) but still, i like talking to gabby. we walked home and talked too..about stuff. and i had ice cream and got all sticky so went to gabby's house and washed up, then jst stayed there for a while, and naww. gabby played me the song she is writting. its so beautiful, and love gabby's voice.
hahaah. what the point of this is, most of my really close friends..i love talking to them. lol about anything. its pretty awsome having people you can share so much with :)
when walking home, we were saying how we missed one of my other friends angelica, and how she always brings so much life and laughter each day. hahaha shes so funny. and cute ;)
and then the sad fact of how she is leaving next yr, going to another school for yr 11 and 12. and so are a lot of my other close friends..and i know. i shouldnt think about that now when theses still so much time but still...ima miss them heaps and heaps.. school jst wont be the same without them.
but not only that, but i know things will change. obviously school life will change, from such a big group to so many of us leaving. me..im still unsure of it all. not exactly the best feeling, and then u think about the people who have it all planned out. sometimes its good to have a plan, jst so you know you dnt have to worry about the future coz well, you can work towards whatever you want. but its a hard decision to make, this will decide the beginning of ur future? maybe? lol idno. but i wish i had a clearer idea of whats gna happen to me. :/
ohh well. lol
im thankful for the people i have met on my high school journey so far, those people i know who will be part of my journey forever :) and even those who might not make it as far? but anyway..id better get going. science is waiting for me.
hope you all have a lovely day. and if you dnt already, tell those people you love how much you appriciate them, or they might not know ;)
<3
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