selfishness --'

ahh faa, mann im so selfish. my mum was having so much fun at this get together that we were at a few mins ago, with all her train friends. having so much fun, laughing, talking and ye. and then i had to ruin it for my mum and make us all go home so i could do my science. faa, how selfish am i, my mum does so much for me, for my family. its not often that she does anything for herself, and today she was having fun, she was laughing and not bothered about anything. i ruined it.
i feel so selfish.
ahh i jst wna let it all out, before i start my science, i need to let it all out. i need to 'vent'.
i want a hug and a friend right now, but i think everyone is busy, or destrcated or somthing, ahh i feel so selfish. and i dnt want too, i really dont. i dnt lyk feeling lyk this, how i am right now.

lately ive been crying so often, lyk i dnt normally but lately i have. and i dnt lyk being sad all the time, i try to smile but it looks so fake, or i can feel that im putting it on. ahh im so tried, stressed, selfish, tried, kinda in pain and im freezing. which is not that common for me! ><
ahh i dno what to do, im tried of it all. i jst wna escape, take a break. i want it all to be how it was before. well who doesnt, its always lyk that --'
ahh i feel so angry and...
ahh im jst so sorry, for being so selfish and ye. for everything. im JUST SO SORRY ><
i try, i want my parents to be proud but lately idno, i feel as though ive not only let them down but myself as well. and i dnt wna feel lyk that. im such a bad daughter :(
all the emotions that i have right at this second is not at all how i wna be feeling. i want some sort of happiness or joy right now, but nothing. its lyk im stucj in the darkness, jst wating for someone to find, or show me the light to get out. i dnt wna be stuck anymore ><

u no how sometimes u jst wished for something,but it wasnt anything that good? well, i wish i wasnt alive right now, all i do is cause problems, i try to help but feel as though ive done something wrong, or make things even worse. i dnt wna do that. i jst wna help. and im gna start crying any second now :/ i dnt wna feel or be this way, i dnt wna be a let down.
am i doing anything right? all i do is pray that i know if im doing something right, because im so lost, and its just not funny! it isnt. i feel abandoned, lonely, faa why am i so selfish?
why cant i jst be useful lyk everyone else, i feel as though i cant do anything right. uhh, i feel terrible. i need help, i need to find something that ive been looking for, for a while now. only i dnt know what that is, its missing and making me fall apart almost. i feel unwanted and lyk im not needed, lyk im just there for the sake of being there, i dno what im meant to do, what im meant for. all i think about is the problems and trouble i cause, most of the time not intending on it.
jst cant wait for the holidays, ive got to sort out my priorities.

i feel so selfish, because i only ever think about myself? :'( or so my sister keeps telling me. ahh, my patience is funning short, i dno what to do, about anything. i just dno, i want everything to be normal again, i want to feel normal again. how long can i wait? :/

oh mann, i need to calm down, i need to breath and i will, after tomorrow? :) hopefully. so now im gna do my science, as much as i can, as tired as i am.
have a lovely night.

quick,

haha, alright its lyk 9.50pm atm and mann am i tired, had a pretty emotional day, haha decided i didnt lyk anyone after all and ye. so tried, now im just worried about my science. im gna start it now, i was jst watching step up and the footy, eels vs bulldogs. haha last i checked eels were winning by 6. hah :)
and so, ive got a lot to get done, gna try finish at least one part, im going dress hunting tomorrow for my grandmothers 80th and my friend's baby sister's christening. and then sunday im going to idol --' haha i no, im so not greatful, its just that this idol season i havent actually watched that much so im not so supportive of anyone but anyways im going, haha. oh boy, gna have a busy weekend, gna cramp in as much as i can. making sure my first and most important priority is finishing my science. woo one more week of school to endure and then holidays. oh yeaa! haha :)
cant wait. anyways, hope you all have a lovely night. id better get working
<3

saying goodbye..

naww, well today was the yr12 muckup assembly thingo and omg, tomorrow they graduate and lyk they had pics of all of them with their friends since yr7 and the journey they made together through high school... aww, it was so, lyk idno. made me realise more that next year we r in yr 10 and in yr 11 most of us are leaving. and well, atm i wouldnt mind moving either, only where? and i dno if im bothered looking for another school that wouls cater more to the subjects and stuff i need? lol, i dno. IM JUST GNA MISS THEM SOO MUCH!! i really dno what im gna do without them :( its hurts jst knowing that they are going, lyk angel. i dnt want her to gooo! i dnt want any of them to go, im scared. i dnt want it to be lyk last time.. but i know it wont be, im still just scared. ive gotten to know them so much, and much closer to them.. :( aww, i dnt want it to happen, in lyk one year and a bit we will all be in yr11. awww.
but lyk, i dnt even no that many other schools.. how would i know where to go, what to do? am i brave enough to start all over again? to start that horrific experience of starting yr 11 all alone? i dno. i need to think more about it i guess? or am i fine just where i am? well, i dnt really lyk mcauley that much, i ddnt ever since i started, my friends just made it more barable for me and if they go.. i no, not all of em are going but im still gna miss them, just not seeing them around. the causal talks we have, warm hugs and conversations..
lol. im so corny, and lol yes ness i know. haha. lol before when we were standing at viancas locker, and i was telling you something that you couldnt hear. i was saying IF YOU LEAVE IM GOING TO MISS YOU SO MUCHH! :(
aww. lol and no im not crying, but if you go, and i no you will want to, i will cry so much. if anyone goes. naww :'( i hate thinking that, but i no we all need to go to those schools for a reason...

i jst dnt want you to leave, to abandon me. not again..

but i no this time it will be different, because you guys arent lyk that, you guys are FOREVER! :)
loveyou all <3
i cant say goodbye, just see you later :)
haha.
( ps. sorry for my blogs always being so long. haha :/ )

OMG! ahhh. :(

im losing it. i really am. im so tired of it. of it all. lyk really. people, me family know how im sensetive to that particular thing and as soon as she brings it up, it gets me teary. it always does! and no matter how hard i try keeping it in before she says anything else a few tears roll down the side of my cheeks and i jst try hold the rest in, pretending as though its alright. when its clearly not. it never is! no matter how hard i try, to do my best in school, to try hard to be a good daughter. its just never enough! and its always me, its always me! im so tried of it all, ahhh. i cant take it, it hurts sometimes more that others coz then i just think, its alright. its just that i dnt belong, but thats not true, because the one i need the most. shes not here, she has to be with her family, looking after them and mann r they lucky to have her. i miss her so much, my aunty, my mum in a way. really, people sed it, ninoshke your so lucky, you have two mums. my aunty jane, looked after me ever since i was born. havent seen her in a while, spoke to her over the phone a while back, just hearing her speak made me cry, but i miss her so much but her family needs her more than me! long story about that, but they sure are lucky to have a step mum lyk my aunty! :'( aww, how i wish she was her, so i could talk to her, she always stuck up for me. everytime. and now, i may be the favourite at times but im always the one, fighting on my own, with everyone. not because i want to, never because i want to, it just happens. ye we have our moments but its always lyk this, and well. i need someone on my side, at least when i didnt do anything wrong. i try and try.... :( sometimes i give up, and give in to my parents, let them have it they're way. make them happy, but if me being miserable makes them happy, then there's clearly something wrong there. for eg. me doing commerce, was my mums idea, and i tried it for her. i dnt mind it, somethings ive learnt have been very useful but i hate it so much, lyk im not that interested in class which is hard with commerce, everything we learn is vital in some way --' and now im stressing over an assignment! ahh, really. why do i bother? :/


and then something with my aunty and uncle, mann it sucks. why does my poor uncle have to be put through this, lyk really. her doesnt deserve to be treated so unfairly. and even his son, my 6 yr old cousin, has to be put through the terror of all this. ahh, it makes me so upset.
then it comes down to, why do bad things happen to good people? why? i pray, i always pray that everything will be alright, that they will get through it. theres nothing really i can do, so i pray. i would say whats going on but its kinda personal to blog about :S so ye.
ohh, i wish things could just be alright, for one week. please, God. i pray.....

kill me :'(

omg sometimes i really wonder if i belong with my family, i really do. everyone's always putting me down or saying something to upset me and its lyk only once in lyk a life time that we actually have a nice family moment! ahh my frkn dad always shouting at me for no reason, omg seriously i want him to leave me alone!
jst then i started crying coz of what he was saying --'
he doesnt even realise sometimes, it really hurts. and atm im so upset. i need a shoulder to cry on :'( i miss my aunty :( shes in india and has been for a few years now but before she lived here and was a sub teacher. faa i miss her so freaking much, she was lyk my mother :'( and i just want her back! i spoke to her today, she called and as soon as i heard her voice i was instantly happy. and then as we got talking i was gna start crying coz shes not here, with me, oh gosh, the tears are rolling down now :'( its not fair, before i was so dependednt on her and then her family needed her so she had to leave and now its lyk, what can i do. i had to learn to do things more independently and i miss her! :'( ahh i hate my life, at home at least. i just love being around my friends, they make it all better :)

naww, i dnt want to lose anyone. but i feel as though i am, and that feeling makes me cry so much :'( lyk really, i dnt wna lose that person so i am trying my best not to and to get them back! :( why does everything have to be so hard now? why now? i miss the way it all used to be, so simple and happy. but one thing can change all that, one thing can make the biggest difference :( oh whyy did it have to be this way? i want to turn back time. i want a hug :(

--'

another topic that is lyk stalking me. and that is the term, 'remember.....'
ye i no, me and memory only this time its kinda not that. i can remember that time when....
bu its just lyk im tired of remembering something that used to be, only coz i want it back. i dnt just wna be remembering it. I WNA BE LIVING IT AGAIN! i want to have more things to remember not jst look back all the time, even though i do tend to live in the ast a lot. right now i just miss so much and the more i think about it the more upset i get? so i want to have more memories and make the best of now and today!
no really, im serious. i miss it so much and i just want it back so badly. if you can do more than just remember these special times and moments then you would wouldnt you? well i want to live them again bu everythings so different now that all i hear is remember that time..... bu i want it back. i really do. ye of course i remember, things lyk that i will never forget....

what happened?

well right now a lot is going on. at least that what it feels lyk. idno bu i feel so sad, lyk something is missing...again :(
ahh crapp, something jst happened to my neck and it kills. ouch! :/
ahh so much work to do, assignments and stuff. ahh, its all piling up now?
at the moment things are a bit hard, idno bu lyk i miss the way everything was before. now its so different and i no sometimes change is good but i wasnt ready for this at all. and its just makes me sad knowing... :(
its not fair and on top of that people in my class sed that next yr and in yr11 our grade will have had so many girls leave and im gna miss all my friends so much, im gna cry! :'(
its hard knowing someone for a while, watching them change, getting closer to them and better friends and then, bam, they're gone. or it seems lyk that coz they've maybe changed co much that you hardly known them? :(
ahh just that thought makes me so upset inside, since ive kinda gone through that once and boy did it kill me! :/ i jst dont know how i would handle it if it had to happen again, especially since lyk my friends now, ive gotten to know them so well it feels lyk we've known eachother forever! and thats pretty amazing, i jst wouldnt like to lose any of them thats all. but i know that they are friends forever, bu maybe when they change they forget? and idno. still kills me, i jst dont want that happening. i would miss them so much, mann they are the reason i cant keep a straight face at school! :D they just make me so happy! they really do and im so greatful and thankful to have them as my friends, no matter what people say about me being different or whatever i jst dont care! :(
it still kills me, the thought of ever losing any of them but then again, ive made promises with some of them that i know they will keep! :) i seriously would be lost without them, they remind me who i am. if i ever forgot that i would always know where i can find myself and thats with my friends <3

its a beautiful day (8)

haha. one thing i abosolutely love about Australia and thats its weather <3 lyk today, haha i went to the city and there was such a nice breeze and oh, lovely blue sky and its not too hot, just pleasant. i want to go for a walk to the lake, only not by myself! so i dnt think that would happen. haha. well, i feel really moody atm, lyk last night i was in a really bad mood and today i feel normal again :) hehe, but i hope this mood thing goes away. ahh, tomorrow is the english assessment thingo and i think im gna FAIL! --' ehh, hoping and longing for the holidays so badd! we need a break, and i wna go swimming too! woo, gotta love spring! :)
well hope you all have a lovely afternoon and rest of the day? :) haha. ttly ;)

uhhh....

right now, at this very second! i am upset, miserable and idno why. i had a good day but right now i feel lyk crap. and i dnt lyk it! eww, i really dnt. ahh and i dno whats going on. i really dont. mann i feel lyk i wna go somewhere, escape all this, just for one moment. and my memory, i think its getting worse, i love to remember the good things but someimes u have to remember the bad too, and all i do now is remember the bad D: i need something good to remember, i really do. before i forget! :( ohh, why did things have to be so hard now? :'( its all changing and im starting to miss those old days even more, which gets me thinking....
sometimes not always a good thing. oh...please, i pray everything gets better,
I MISS ... :(

idno, SOMETHINGS MISSING, and once again im not sure what that is! :/

and now, i dnt now how or why, but i feel lyk im being left behind? :'( random, jst came to me but thats how i feel. i need someone to keep me comforty :(

family matters! :)

ok i no, i dnt always appreciate my family bu tonight we went out, lyk for my cousins 17th bday and naww, mann i love being with my cousins. were so close, naww i miss them sometimes i really do miss those old days when we lived together. naww. oh well ye and lyk im so proud of my big cousin, his bday is on monday, hes the one turning 17 and hes lyk the older brother i always wanted. haha and ye i was just talking to him kinda about stuff and haha funny dude! lmao. gotta love em
bu ye, hes got his Ls and i saw him driving home, so proud and also coz hes so smart and stuff! woo. naww and ye, lyk im proud and next yr my lil cousin is going to yr6 and my other one is going to yr8 and the eldest going to yr12! mann how time flies. i remember when we were all in primary, mann thoes were the days. we all looked after eachother. naww. i have more to say bu i wanted to make this one quick!
haha. if only, i miss those days.... :(