selfishness --'

ahh faa, mann im so selfish. my mum was having so much fun at this get together that we were at a few mins ago, with all her train friends. having so much fun, laughing, talking and ye. and then i had to ruin it for my mum and make us all go home so i could do my science. faa, how selfish am i, my mum does so much for me, for my family. its not often that she does anything for herself, and today she was having fun, she was laughing and not bothered about anything. i ruined it.
i feel so selfish.
ahh i jst wna let it all out, before i start my science, i need to let it all out. i need to 'vent'.
i want a hug and a friend right now, but i think everyone is busy, or destrcated or somthing, ahh i feel so selfish. and i dnt want too, i really dont. i dnt lyk feeling lyk this, how i am right now.

lately ive been crying so often, lyk i dnt normally but lately i have. and i dnt lyk being sad all the time, i try to smile but it looks so fake, or i can feel that im putting it on. ahh im so tried, stressed, selfish, tried, kinda in pain and im freezing. which is not that common for me! ><
ahh i dno what to do, im tried of it all. i jst wna escape, take a break. i want it all to be how it was before. well who doesnt, its always lyk that --'
ahh i feel so angry and...
ahh im jst so sorry, for being so selfish and ye. for everything. im JUST SO SORRY ><
i try, i want my parents to be proud but lately idno, i feel as though ive not only let them down but myself as well. and i dnt wna feel lyk that. im such a bad daughter :(
all the emotions that i have right at this second is not at all how i wna be feeling. i want some sort of happiness or joy right now, but nothing. its lyk im stucj in the darkness, jst wating for someone to find, or show me the light to get out. i dnt wna be stuck anymore ><

u no how sometimes u jst wished for something,but it wasnt anything that good? well, i wish i wasnt alive right now, all i do is cause problems, i try to help but feel as though ive done something wrong, or make things even worse. i dnt wna do that. i jst wna help. and im gna start crying any second now :/ i dnt wna feel or be this way, i dnt wna be a let down.
am i doing anything right? all i do is pray that i know if im doing something right, because im so lost, and its just not funny! it isnt. i feel abandoned, lonely, faa why am i so selfish?
why cant i jst be useful lyk everyone else, i feel as though i cant do anything right. uhh, i feel terrible. i need help, i need to find something that ive been looking for, for a while now. only i dnt know what that is, its missing and making me fall apart almost. i feel unwanted and lyk im not needed, lyk im just there for the sake of being there, i dno what im meant to do, what im meant for. all i think about is the problems and trouble i cause, most of the time not intending on it.
jst cant wait for the holidays, ive got to sort out my priorities.

i feel so selfish, because i only ever think about myself? :'( or so my sister keeps telling me. ahh, my patience is funning short, i dno what to do, about anything. i just dno, i want everything to be normal again, i want to feel normal again. how long can i wait? :/

oh mann, i need to calm down, i need to breath and i will, after tomorrow? :) hopefully. so now im gna do my science, as much as i can, as tired as i am.
have a lovely night.