OMG! ahhh. :(

im losing it. i really am. im so tired of it. of it all. lyk really. people, me family know how im sensetive to that particular thing and as soon as she brings it up, it gets me teary. it always does! and no matter how hard i try keeping it in before she says anything else a few tears roll down the side of my cheeks and i jst try hold the rest in, pretending as though its alright. when its clearly not. it never is! no matter how hard i try, to do my best in school, to try hard to be a good daughter. its just never enough! and its always me, its always me! im so tried of it all, ahhh. i cant take it, it hurts sometimes more that others coz then i just think, its alright. its just that i dnt belong, but thats not true, because the one i need the most. shes not here, she has to be with her family, looking after them and mann r they lucky to have her. i miss her so much, my aunty, my mum in a way. really, people sed it, ninoshke your so lucky, you have two mums. my aunty jane, looked after me ever since i was born. havent seen her in a while, spoke to her over the phone a while back, just hearing her speak made me cry, but i miss her so much but her family needs her more than me! long story about that, but they sure are lucky to have a step mum lyk my aunty! :'( aww, how i wish she was her, so i could talk to her, she always stuck up for me. everytime. and now, i may be the favourite at times but im always the one, fighting on my own, with everyone. not because i want to, never because i want to, it just happens. ye we have our moments but its always lyk this, and well. i need someone on my side, at least when i didnt do anything wrong. i try and try.... :( sometimes i give up, and give in to my parents, let them have it they're way. make them happy, but if me being miserable makes them happy, then there's clearly something wrong there. for eg. me doing commerce, was my mums idea, and i tried it for her. i dnt mind it, somethings ive learnt have been very useful but i hate it so much, lyk im not that interested in class which is hard with commerce, everything we learn is vital in some way --' and now im stressing over an assignment! ahh, really. why do i bother? :/


and then something with my aunty and uncle, mann it sucks. why does my poor uncle have to be put through this, lyk really. her doesnt deserve to be treated so unfairly. and even his son, my 6 yr old cousin, has to be put through the terror of all this. ahh, it makes me so upset.
then it comes down to, why do bad things happen to good people? why? i pray, i always pray that everything will be alright, that they will get through it. theres nothing really i can do, so i pray. i would say whats going on but its kinda personal to blog about :S so ye.
ohh, i wish things could just be alright, for one week. please, God. i pray.....