its not even funny how unhappy i can be at home.
this atmosphere i come to every day after school. this place i call my home..
its not so bad most of the time. its jst that..ahh idno. all my family have something against me. freaking hell. im so pissed atm i can cry.
:'@
i dnt like being like this, or so negetive but its so frustraiting! i cant be around these people all the time, i jst shut up coz when im this pissed..i say way to much. freak no one even cares, i always get in trouble for nothing. alway get put down. alway have tears running down my face, right now. i feel so angry. my head hurts so much coz im keeping it all in, jst with these tears rolling down my face, wetting the collar of my school shirt.
i hate it. all of it. this feeling where i am accused and balmed! freaking hell give me a break. i dnt care about what u say because its all jst the same.
even when i do cry, its like omg. ninoshka is such a baby. freaking hell fuck off deandra! :@ its always you starting it and me being the victim.
im tried of having all this tension in me, i jst want to be happy when i come home, it doesnt have to be all the time, jst most of the time. these people i live with are meant to be like my family, only they're not here for me when i need them. they are the furthest thing from a shoulder for me to cry on..
..jst leave me alone. :'(
there you have it, the sad truth of how i feel atm, my angry. my sadness.. my family
..i miss my aunty and cousins. i want them here with me.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
hello :)
lol sorry for all the posts atm.
its jst that after watching that movie, my mind is so open and i feel so calm and i like my thoughts atm, coz im so calm and everything. i like to feel this way once in a while, lets me think clearer thoughts. :)
and yeaa :)
feels good to breath slow and jst think calmly..?
<3
its jst that after watching that movie, my mind is so open and i feel so calm and i like my thoughts atm, coz im so calm and everything. i like to feel this way once in a while, lets me think clearer thoughts. :)
and yeaa :)
feels good to breath slow and jst think calmly..?
<3
thank you..
Lord,
thank you, for all you have given me. for my family. for my friends. for my good health. for the luxuries in my life. and everything.
i know at times i am stuburn and take a lot of the things you have given me for granted but i truely am greatful for it all.
i am sorry for those times when i do look at everything in a pesamistic way, i always try to do my best to act more like you, and by doing this, i hope to achieve so much in life.
im also sorry when i loose my temper, and act in ways i later regret.
<3
jst somethings to think about, and stickers i found on scrapblog.. ;)
"Life is God's novel, let him write it"
"let your legs carry your body, and your heart carry your dreams."
"there is nothing on earth to be prized more than true friendship."
"the family is one of natures masterpieces."
thank you, for all you have given me. for my family. for my friends. for my good health. for the luxuries in my life. and everything.
i know at times i am stuburn and take a lot of the things you have given me for granted but i truely am greatful for it all.
i am sorry for those times when i do look at everything in a pesamistic way, i always try to do my best to act more like you, and by doing this, i hope to achieve so much in life.
im also sorry when i loose my temper, and act in ways i later regret.
<3
jst somethings to think about, and stickers i found on scrapblog.. ;)
"Life is God's novel, let him write it"
"let your legs carry your body, and your heart carry your dreams."
"there is nothing on earth to be prized more than true friendship."
"the family is one of natures masterpieces."
i miss my cousins :(
really wish i saw them as much as i liked.. they live less then 5 mins walk from us and we hardly ever see them.
i get worried about my cousin marilyn..i think she goes through so much, and the worst thing is. she has almost no one. to tell her its alright. so whenever i come over we always talk, about school and friends and anything. i miss her so much.. :/
shes so young, well not really but i went through the same things as her, in a way and i think telling her that it gets easier and that really makes you feel good. she is so smart, but she has so much more to learn, more important things but she's got no one to teach her.. :(
*sigh* i really hope they dnt move.. i dno what id do if they did.
..not bothered talking any more.. jst gna give her a hug. :(
i get worried about my cousin marilyn..i think she goes through so much, and the worst thing is. she has almost no one. to tell her its alright. so whenever i come over we always talk, about school and friends and anything. i miss her so much.. :/
shes so young, well not really but i went through the same things as her, in a way and i think telling her that it gets easier and that really makes you feel good. she is so smart, but she has so much more to learn, more important things but she's got no one to teach her.. :(
*sigh* i really hope they dnt move.. i dno what id do if they did.
..not bothered talking any more.. jst gna give her a hug. :(
justce;
is such an important virtue?
its only fair that people get the justice they deserve right? :(
the indian movie i watched was so sad.. i dnt wna go into detail about what it was about but yeaa.. i cried so much. really touched me, coz the issues that were explained are so true, about discrimination and lack in justice and some people go that extra mile, to do what is right, even when the world keeps telling them they are wrong.
i recommend you to watch it, i dnt understand hindi but there are subtitles ;)
its called my name is khan?
teaches you a lot, really makes you think..
its only fair that people get the justice they deserve right? :(
the indian movie i watched was so sad.. i dnt wna go into detail about what it was about but yeaa.. i cried so much. really touched me, coz the issues that were explained are so true, about discrimination and lack in justice and some people go that extra mile, to do what is right, even when the world keeps telling them they are wrong.
i recommend you to watch it, i dnt understand hindi but there are subtitles ;)
its called my name is khan?
teaches you a lot, really makes you think..
Thursday, February 25, 2010
hmm..
*whinging sound :L*
lol. well been thinking.. :/
and idno. jst felt like blogging. lol jst got off the phone with vianca, lol i actually kinda miss her, i dno why. i talked to her jst today..on the phone. lol but still i really do.
lol vianca and i know ur gna read this someday and yeaa. atm i miss you, only bad thing is. you said that ur getting ur..thingos and i dnt like ur moodyness during that time :L lol so pissy :L hahah but i still love ya ;)
idno. jst feel kinda down atm..? :/
dnt know why, or how. but i am excited for tomorrow.. :)
okay. so last night i was kinda pissy too..and then this morning my phone broke D:
almost cried. instead in the morning while i was by myself i sat on the train and fell asleep.. and didnt really talk to anyone until walking to school when i walked with simmy. haha shes so funny, shes fully telling me, you have to have confidience when u tell them, and if they dnt listen, stand on the table :L haha aww simone does whatever she wants, shes scared of no one and doesnt let anything get in her way..i kinda wish i was more like that. in the sense i was strong enough and grow some balls as maryanne would say.
..ahh im tired of so much.
happy everything worked out with nessa's surprise, it all went well and everything. lol the hard work paid off ;)
but ive been getting so much tension in my back lately, from either late nights on the comp or maybe my bed? but its kinda painful.
tonight i look out the window, into the night sky and see the moon, shinning so bright. its almost a full moon. right now thats how i feel..again..that feeling as though im missing something? :/ i dnt like this feeling. i miss the me that didnt get so moody and snap at everyone each morning..i need to work on my attitude/behaviour..
hmm..i jst feel so sad :(
lol. well been thinking.. :/
and idno. jst felt like blogging. lol jst got off the phone with vianca, lol i actually kinda miss her, i dno why. i talked to her jst today..on the phone. lol but still i really do.
lol vianca and i know ur gna read this someday and yeaa. atm i miss you, only bad thing is. you said that ur getting ur..thingos and i dnt like ur moodyness during that time :L lol so pissy :L hahah but i still love ya ;)
idno. jst feel kinda down atm..? :/
dnt know why, or how. but i am excited for tomorrow.. :)
okay. so last night i was kinda pissy too..and then this morning my phone broke D:
almost cried. instead in the morning while i was by myself i sat on the train and fell asleep.. and didnt really talk to anyone until walking to school when i walked with simmy. haha shes so funny, shes fully telling me, you have to have confidience when u tell them, and if they dnt listen, stand on the table :L haha aww simone does whatever she wants, shes scared of no one and doesnt let anything get in her way..i kinda wish i was more like that. in the sense i was strong enough and grow some balls as maryanne would say.
..ahh im tired of so much.
happy everything worked out with nessa's surprise, it all went well and everything. lol the hard work paid off ;)
but ive been getting so much tension in my back lately, from either late nights on the comp or maybe my bed? but its kinda painful.
tonight i look out the window, into the night sky and see the moon, shinning so bright. its almost a full moon. right now thats how i feel..again..that feeling as though im missing something? :/ i dnt like this feeling. i miss the me that didnt get so moody and snap at everyone each morning..i need to work on my attitude/behaviour..
hmm..i jst feel so sad :(
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
HAPPY BRITHDAY VANESSAA!
aww. mann planning surprises are so hard and in a way stressful? lol idno how u did viancas but good job ;) hahaha.
hope you loved it all vanessa, coz it was all for you. :)
and we love you..
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
i actually jst realised that my friends, they practically everything about me.
haha coz of all my continuous life stories :L haha. sorry about that :L
and even coz they always listen.
even before on the phone with one of my friends vianca, she was writting her resume and how she was like, help me. what were my primary achievements?
well i didnt really know them..haha i was like idno, only up until yr 8 i know ur achievements and stuff. and yeaa reading this on nessa's tumblr make me realise that too. but still im so happy with the friends i have now :)
hmmm :L
im way to good at wasting time --'
its so bad. haha.
ohh well. next wk is one of my most awsomest, loveliest, bestest, coolest, weirdest, closest friend! haha yes vanessaaa..im talking about you ;) hahaha
anyways..im trying to look for a song. to sing jst for her..even thou im not to fond of singing by myself to someone other then myself :L haha but i still love to sing :)
im not sure what to sing though
...on the other hand. i have hw/assignements to do. which im not bothered for atm. in english. im gna fail. i got only 25 marks. out of a total 40 so far D: and im gna get an E... D: thats so bad. :(
but i will start my other assignments.
yeaa thats about it i guess? not much to say but im gna try write/type on my blogspot with a good state of mind. like how i used to blog..coz my other friend nicole and even angel's posts before, reminded me so much of how i used to blog. and i guess i liked my blog when it was like that. more than how it is now :/
so yeaaa
its so bad. haha.
ohh well. next wk is one of my most awsomest, loveliest, bestest, coolest, weirdest, closest friend! haha yes vanessaaa..im talking about you ;) hahaha
anyways..im trying to look for a song. to sing jst for her..even thou im not to fond of singing by myself to someone other then myself :L haha but i still love to sing :)
im not sure what to sing though
...on the other hand. i have hw/assignements to do. which im not bothered for atm. in english. im gna fail. i got only 25 marks. out of a total 40 so far D: and im gna get an E... D: thats so bad. :(
but i will start my other assignments.
yeaa thats about it i guess? not much to say but im gna try write/type on my blogspot with a good state of mind. like how i used to blog..coz my other friend nicole and even angel's posts before, reminded me so much of how i used to blog. and i guess i liked my blog when it was like that. more than how it is now :/
so yeaaa
Thursday, February 11, 2010
fucking hell.
im gna explode. actually i am exploding!
freaking hell. get outa my fucking life.
u make me so pissed. you make me swear. i hate you. and theres nothing more to it.
FUCK!
i dnt even like swearing. but with you. thats the only freaking word that explains how pissed i am it jst comes out! :@
you ruin everything!
im gna explode. actually i am exploding!
freaking hell. get outa my fucking life.
u make me so pissed. you make me swear. i hate you. and theres nothing more to it.
FUCK!
i dnt even like swearing. but with you. thats the only freaking word that explains how pissed i am it jst comes out! :@
you ruin everything!
change.
okay. i must admit.
in life im scared of a lot of stuff.. but im learning and growing. and slowly that changes. im becoming more brave and facing stuff and yeaa.
idno. i wna move, if i can. to another school. to be honest, and most people already know. i never really likes mcauley..i was forced to go there. but when i met the people i did. and the friends i have now, i wouldnt change that at all. i wouldnt go back and take it back. i love them all so much, they made me like mcauley. they made it more bareable.
and my primary friends. how i desperately wanted them to join me at mcauley on my high school journey..well. i still do. and i miss them.
before. a while back. jst before school started this yr. i told my mum about some of my friends leaving, and moving schools next yr. and then how most would go to st marys. and then i told her about the school, from what i knew. lol from what my friend yohana always told me about, how good it was and stuff. but also in a way how different it is compared to other schools. and then she's like, why dnt u apply there? not saying u have to go. but jst to see if u get in, keep ur options open and stuff. maybe it will be better and stuff..
but that thought came..change. that i was scared of. but still. i wanted to explore my options and that.
talking to my primary friend now, and how she and some other friends are also going to st marys. makes me wna go there. and even how some of my closest friends are going there too..
only to see if i can do it. like be more independent and stuff..but idno. am i ready. im kinda scared. i could jst stay put in mcauley :/ maybe its not for me?
..but idno? :/
in life im scared of a lot of stuff.. but im learning and growing. and slowly that changes. im becoming more brave and facing stuff and yeaa.
idno. i wna move, if i can. to another school. to be honest, and most people already know. i never really likes mcauley..i was forced to go there. but when i met the people i did. and the friends i have now, i wouldnt change that at all. i wouldnt go back and take it back. i love them all so much, they made me like mcauley. they made it more bareable.
and my primary friends. how i desperately wanted them to join me at mcauley on my high school journey..well. i still do. and i miss them.
before. a while back. jst before school started this yr. i told my mum about some of my friends leaving, and moving schools next yr. and then how most would go to st marys. and then i told her about the school, from what i knew. lol from what my friend yohana always told me about, how good it was and stuff. but also in a way how different it is compared to other schools. and then she's like, why dnt u apply there? not saying u have to go. but jst to see if u get in, keep ur options open and stuff. maybe it will be better and stuff..
but that thought came..change. that i was scared of. but still. i wanted to explore my options and that.
talking to my primary friend now, and how she and some other friends are also going to st marys. makes me wna go there. and even how some of my closest friends are going there too..
only to see if i can do it. like be more independent and stuff..but idno. am i ready. im kinda scared. i could jst stay put in mcauley :/ maybe its not for me?
..but idno? :/
Thursday, February 4, 2010
to you only :)
Dearest vanessa,
omg. im already crying. :(
okay. nvm that.. so i guess other than the fact that you may be leaving..im jst emotional in general..im guessing another 'phase' ? :/
so. my dear friend. today you told me something. well this morning. and it distracted me all through period one. haha hist elect. ohh well. and i couldnt stop thinking about it. not only is angel leaving. probably gabby and yohana and maybe abby and now you too. :(
im really not looking forward to the beginning of next yr..but also as you know. i hardly ever say 'goodbye' and im not gna start. especially with you guys. i love you all too much to say goodbye. its not as yet in my vocab?
so.. as i was thinking earlier..i realised how in 3 yrs, so much happened. and im so happy for that. lol. as you know from all my past stories and stuff.. it wasnt really easy for me to fit in and stuff like that, fell comfortable around people so quick. even with my bestfriends in primary..it wasnt the same. and then getting to know all of you, everyone, the whole group..
but then getting to know a few of you more than others?
within these 3 yrs so far. i have told you jst about everything there is to know about me. haha when i think about it, i feel so fortunate to have friends like you guys, a friend like you who i can tell everything to. someone i can trust and count on. this in a way was also new for me. idno. haha it took some time to stop being that shy girl jst watching..to now being the one who doesnt shut up! :L haha. naww. but you, vanessafaith have been there from the beginning. since i can remember, in yr8 i think it all started? haha, i think it was because vianca was in the phils that i talked to you more. and even got to know you more. then as the yr progressed i felt like we knew eachother so well, with the whole group. i felt to happy and privaliged to now have friends like you.
i didnt only have new friends. but i was able to get to know some of you so well, like you and vianca. and was even able to call you my bestfriends..i actually doubted the fact that i would ever get over the fact that things wouldnt be the same between my primary bestfriends. :/ thinking that i wouldnt be able to call anyone my bestfriend? i know kinda crazy but at the time. i was nieve. --'
lol anyway. it took my like 4 yrs to really know my old friends? i guess. and i dnt want it to seem at all like im comparing you guys. haha coz i love you all the same..maybe you mcauley girls more though? :L haha. made my hs life so much more bareable. :) thank you for that
i never could say thank you enough..to any of you.
lol sorry for making this so long. haha i could write a whole story about the amout of good times we've had together.. everytime i look up at my wall, or even jst through old msgs and pics. i remember so much and i can count that there will be many more to come. i believe.. :) i really do. i dont doubt anymore..not about my friendship with you. coz vanessa. we've got so much to remember. lol every time i go out. so many things..haha like whenever i pass a 'seduce' store..i always remember my embarassing moment at the store in the city..and how you helped me :L haha. cant forget those things..ever.
you helped me with so much. haha even looked after me so well when we went out anywhere. vanessa you're such a good role model, your so responsible and trustworthy but most of all, such a good friend.
ps. haha sorry i got kinda distracted by other stuff and kept stopping..making me forget what i was gna say. --'
ohh and sorry. kinda got off track. :/ lol. as always. i forgot a lot i had to say so yeaa.. :) may not even make sense but yeaa..sorry.
love always, ninoshka
<3
hehe remember this..
omg. im already crying. :(
okay. nvm that.. so i guess other than the fact that you may be leaving..im jst emotional in general..im guessing another 'phase' ? :/
so. my dear friend. today you told me something. well this morning. and it distracted me all through period one. haha hist elect. ohh well. and i couldnt stop thinking about it. not only is angel leaving. probably gabby and yohana and maybe abby and now you too. :(
im really not looking forward to the beginning of next yr..but also as you know. i hardly ever say 'goodbye' and im not gna start. especially with you guys. i love you all too much to say goodbye. its not as yet in my vocab?
so.. as i was thinking earlier..i realised how in 3 yrs, so much happened. and im so happy for that. lol. as you know from all my past stories and stuff.. it wasnt really easy for me to fit in and stuff like that, fell comfortable around people so quick. even with my bestfriends in primary..it wasnt the same. and then getting to know all of you, everyone, the whole group..
but then getting to know a few of you more than others?
within these 3 yrs so far. i have told you jst about everything there is to know about me. haha when i think about it, i feel so fortunate to have friends like you guys, a friend like you who i can tell everything to. someone i can trust and count on. this in a way was also new for me. idno. haha it took some time to stop being that shy girl jst watching..to now being the one who doesnt shut up! :L haha. naww. but you, vanessafaith have been there from the beginning. since i can remember, in yr8 i think it all started? haha, i think it was because vianca was in the phils that i talked to you more. and even got to know you more. then as the yr progressed i felt like we knew eachother so well, with the whole group. i felt to happy and privaliged to now have friends like you.
i didnt only have new friends. but i was able to get to know some of you so well, like you and vianca. and was even able to call you my bestfriends..i actually doubted the fact that i would ever get over the fact that things wouldnt be the same between my primary bestfriends. :/ thinking that i wouldnt be able to call anyone my bestfriend? i know kinda crazy but at the time. i was nieve. --'
lol anyway. it took my like 4 yrs to really know my old friends? i guess. and i dnt want it to seem at all like im comparing you guys. haha coz i love you all the same..maybe you mcauley girls more though? :L haha. made my hs life so much more bareable. :) thank you for that
i never could say thank you enough..to any of you.
lol sorry for making this so long. haha i could write a whole story about the amout of good times we've had together.. everytime i look up at my wall, or even jst through old msgs and pics. i remember so much and i can count that there will be many more to come. i believe.. :) i really do. i dont doubt anymore..not about my friendship with you. coz vanessa. we've got so much to remember. lol every time i go out. so many things..haha like whenever i pass a 'seduce' store..i always remember my embarassing moment at the store in the city..and how you helped me :L haha. cant forget those things..ever.
you helped me with so much. haha even looked after me so well when we went out anywhere. vanessa you're such a good role model, your so responsible and trustworthy but most of all, such a good friend.
lol this isnt a goodbye or anything. jst wanted to let you know. :) you know me and sharing. haha i will miss you so dearly.
so. what i was trying to say is. in what seemed such a short time..but really wasnt. well in a way yes it was. i jst wanted to say, no matter what happens next yr..i will still always be here for you. and i will always have my promises kept..forever! :) lol you made me believe.. lol i forgot what i was gna say..again :L lol. umm. you helped me get past my past, and look forward for the future. you made such a difference.. all those late night dnms. you guys coming over randomly and us making puzzles, doing 'homework' haha taking pics. all those days. all those memories. are ones that i will treasure. thats what makes up friendships in a way right? haha. i know i have changed so much, im so proud to call you my friend. and even more. to have you as one. i tell you everything..so some of this you have heard before? :L lol but yeaa. i still remember that night, i was crying so much coz of my primary friends, and you and vianca helped me. talked it out and i felt to much better.. before. i never really had anyone i could talk to, someone i trusted enough to be myself around, always being too scared that it might end up like last time..but i know. this time its different?lol. even before..im still kinda scared. how i was gna look for schools i might move too and stuff..then i thought im scared to move..scared to start over.. im still learning. but i need to learn not to be so scared.. im getting there :/
woo..we have all made it so far. haha.anyways...
i love you vanessaa, thank you so so much. and i really am.."so glad life made us friends." :)ps. haha sorry i got kinda distracted by other stuff and kept stopping..making me forget what i was gna say. --'
ohh and sorry. kinda got off track. :/ lol. as always. i forgot a lot i had to say so yeaa.. :) may not even make sense but yeaa..sorry.
love always, ninoshka
<3
hehe remember this..
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