no matter how hard i try..

no matter how hard i try to hold it in, jst before im about to leak, when my eyes are tearing up and i jst bite my lip, hoping nothing comes out, trying not to blink so the tears jst disappear, oh how i try to make it look as though i dnt care, when really i do. i care so much it hurts, it hurts knowing that i may loose.. well ye, i dnt even wna say it.. :'( oh how tears, weather your holding it in or letting it out, they always seem to get in the way.. of the truth? no, not the truth, of the reality of life.. and well, of everything?

how i wish i could escape, its not always like this. just most of the time. maybe. okay okay, it could be a lot better, but then again i dnt have it all that bad.. i get blamed for everything, if its my dads fault, my mums fault. even if i was helping a friend, faa, it hurts knowing that whenever i try do something good, its never returned, not that i expect it to be. but why should i get in trouble for anything when it wasnt my fault? huuh? why me, i help and instead get introuble for helping. for being a friend.
its clear to say that my parents. my mum controls me. wait no. not jst me. my life too. :( she makes the big decisions for me, thats why im so not independent, and im so used to that now that i cant make the most simplest of decisions, to eat this or that, to wear shorts or pants.. i feel so restricted from life. i once thought i had some, whatever little control of my life it was, i thought i had some control. with my phone and my friends. luckily my mum had no control over my friends, who would be my friends, who i would hang out with. i feel, in a way so free at school. even though school has so many rules of its own, my mum cant stop me from doing anything there.
most of the time, i jst think about my parents, making them proud. showing how greatful i am to them, try to do my best at school, hardly ever ask for anything.. but no, sorry. its never good enough is it? not once, anytime i achieve in something, my mums always lyk, you could have done better, yes you did this this time, but next time do better. faaaaa, mann sometimes i feel lyk bursting out, swearing. but only in my head. coz even though im a respectful daughter, to my mum im not. nothing i do is ever good enough, no matter how much i achieve, its never good enough. jst once i dnt wna hear, "oh wow, well done. but could you have done better.. " faaack, idno, next time why dnt u sit in class for me, listen to the teachers talking about stuff, i always try to listen, work hard and attempt everything, whats the use if no matter how well i do, its never good enough for you? huuh? why. i try. i strive, FOR MY GOALS, not for yours.

I JST WNA ESCAPE.. anywhere, even if its for an hour or two, anything. i jst want to know how it would be if my parents werent so harsh, or strict. or demanding.. :'(


and another thing. i have a mouth dont i, yet no matter where i am. half the time its as if im speaking but nothings coming out. growing up at home, always. whenever i was talking, someone would butt in, cut me out. ahh, i really dnt mind sometime, but when it happens over and over again, lyk really. cant you see im explaining something? especially before, when i used to talk to my mum about anything, my dad or sister would cutt in, i would forget what i said or i continue after that person is done, seee im always the one kept waiting.. and i really dnt mind, but how many times does it happen to me. then if by accident i but in when my mums talking, i frkn get in trouble. i swear i was born into this family to take the blam for everything and to jst be used and get introuble, :'( i always think, theres something out there, for me. jst for me. something God has for me, that no one can take away, when will that come, when will i stop questioning myself for things that soemone my age maybe shouldnt be thinking.. sometimes i feel that i dnt matter, that no one cares what would happen.. i no its wrong to think, but i kinda have reason to dnt i? coz of whatever happens in my life, the bad anyways.. :(

ahh, im so tired, havent done my homework. oh well, tomorrow morning.. i have so much to let out, but i'll go now. sorry for such a long post. and if you were really bothered enough to read all that, you must really care. and thankyou for that, <3

and so, somewhere over that rainbow, someday. i will find what ive been searching for, the answer that completes me so much.. yet how long will that take, and i will keep searching, if thats what God wants, i deserve it dont i? but if its right in front of me, that Lord, please help me see, because its something i need. i want the answer to my problem..

night guys <3